


effusive (is that the word?)

by watfordbird33



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Clueless!Simon, College, M/M, Pan!Simon, Texting, Wrong number, chatfic, gray-ace!Simon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-01
Updated: 2017-08-12
Packaged: 2018-11-21 19:25:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 21,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11364030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/watfordbird33/pseuds/watfordbird33
Summary: Simon sends a text to a stranger almost as posh as his "unsufferable" roommate Baz.But of course the stranger's not Baz.After all, Simon would never fall in love with Baz....





	1. smthing posh and ahsurd

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings for language, crude humor, bad life decisions (don't talk to strangers, guys).
> 
> Will be updated when I want to/when I can.

{8:01 p.m.}

**penny im laughing so hard help me please**

**u dont even know**

**baz just**

**fuckin tripped on the threshold**

**like yes pls**

**wish id had a camera cuz it was PRICEless**

 

{10:11 p.m.}

_ Excuse me. I think you have the wrong number. _

**whooooooooooooooooooops sorryyyyy**

 

{10:23 p.m.}

**whered u go stranger**

**stranger**

**stranger**

**stranger**

**personnnnnn**

_ I was under the impression that this conversation wasn’t going to continue. _

**idk man im**

**effusive**

**is that the word**

**I wouldnt know i failed third grade**

**i think im drunk**

**but like, sleep drunk**

**wanna chat**

_ Goodbye. _

**woah rude**

**woah**

 

{11:03 p.m.} 

_ …*Whoa. _

**STRANGER**

**ILY U RESPONDED**

**AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW**

 

{11:42 p.m.}

**leaivngm me on read okayyyy**

**weigh to e a good furedn**

_ Are you drunk? _

**UYORE ACK**

**BACK******

**NO**

**NOT DRUNK**

**WHATS UR NAME**

_ I’m not entirely sure why I haven’t blocked you yet. _

_ I still could. _

**I BET ITS SMTHING POSH AND AHSURD**

***ABSURD**

**MY ROOMMATES NAME IS BAZ CAN U BELIEVE IT**

**LIKE**

**UNSUFFERABLE ASSHOLE RICH GIT MUCH**

 

{12:00 a.m.}

_ Stereotypical assumptions much? _

**i mean he /iS/ an unsufferable asshle rich git**

**& its okay hes not here hes out somewhr idek**

**he cant read my hate speak over my shoulder**

**damn i h8 that guy**

_ *Insufferable. _

_ Goodnight. _

**tell me ur name b4 you go**

_ Fuck off. Thanks. _

 

{6:11 a.m.}

**at least u said thanks**

**wicked sleep-hangover btw**

**and good morning**

**baz the asshole still isnt back so i can bitch abt him**

**because**

**he left shaving cream**

**all over the counter**

**and the toilet seat**

**and like, everywhere**

**and when i got up approximately .3 seconds ago to shit**

**i didnt turn on the light**

 

{6:30 a.m.} 

**i have**

**shaving cream**

**up**

**my**

**asscrack**

 

{7:03 a.m.}

**stranger where r u**

**i miss u**

**its boring w/o baz**

**i think my babe pennys coming over later**

**penny is**

**the bomb.**

**diggity.**

**dammit ur absurd punctuation is rubbing off on me**

**;)**

**;)**

**rubbing**

**ahahahaahaha**

**the word “rubbing” is such a winky word**

 

{8:00 a.m.}

**i hope baz got laid**

**he needs it**

 

{9:14 a.m.}

_ It sounds like you’re giving this Baz a pretty hard time. _

**STRANGER!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**ngl he deserves it**

**shaving cream. up. my. asscrack.**

_ I would have liked to see that. _

_ Wait. _

_ That sounded wrong. Please don’t-- _

**youd have liked to see my asscrack?**

**kiNKY**


	2. must be a good girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for more crude humor, Baz-hating, terrible digital safety, and language.

{11:02 a.m.}

**u didnt respond to that why**

_ Um. _

_ It’s rather endearing that you think I would actually respond to that. _

**brb looking up endearing**

_ Shit. _

**OMG**

**YOU THINK IM ENDEARING**

**STRANGER <33333333**

_ ….. _

_ Do you still have shaving cream up your rear end? _

**omg**

**“rear end”**

**i fuckin love you**

**and no, i do not**

_ I can still block you. _

_ And for the record, I was asking because I would have taken back the endearing if you still had shaving cream in your….asscrack. _

_ (How crude.) _

**so u still think im endearing**

_ I’m taking it back. _

 

{11:57 a.m.}

**this is smthing that only happens in bad fanfiction**

**u know**

**crazy wrong number**

**hot stranger**

_ There are so many things wrong with that. But first of all: I wouldn’t know. I’ve never read any bad fanfiction. _

_ Or regular fanfiction. _

_...they basically amount to the same thing. _

**UH RUDE**

**WHT IS UR PROBLEM**

**i bet ur british u sound british**

**thats a problem**

**but kinda hot**

_ I'm not British. Are you? _

**nahhhhhhhhh**

_ American? You’re crude enough. _

**damn ur literally baz just like, less hateful**

**kinda cute ;)**

 

{12:12 p.m.}

**babe**

**whered u go**

**i miss u**

**baz is back**

**he laughed at me for the shaving cream**

**hate him**

**hate him**

**hate him**

**hate him**

**hate him**

**hate him**

**hate him**

 

{12:40 p.m.}

**hes on his phone**

**probably plotting**

_ If all you’re going to do is spam me about your roommate, I’ll block you, happily. _

_ Perhaps I’ll block you anyway. _

**ur so rude**

**why do i love u so much**

**i literally dont even know ur gender**

**or name**

**OR AGE**

**omg**

**iNTERNET SAFETY**

**PENNY WOULD KILL ME**

**BABE**

_ I dislike that name terribly. _

**then tell me your real one, whats your namemeeeeeeehehhehehehehehe**

_ Since you articulated so well. _

**are u an old lady**

**that would be horrijle**

**im a boy**

**im 18**

**my name is simon snow**

_ … _

_ What. _

_ A. _

_ Name. _

**i sense sarcasm**

**or hatred**

**dont hate**

**i have blond hair**

**blue eyes**

**im cute**

**and**

**I’MMMM PANNNNNNNNNN**

**ur turn**

 

{1:05 p.m.}  UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

_ YOU’RE PAN. _

 

{1:07 p.m.}

_ You just… _

_ You just told me your name, age, gender, and appearance. _

_ And you-- _

_ You came out to me. _

**ive always been out**

**i dont believe in “coming out”**

**its just a thing that i am**

**pan**

**pannnn**

**only person im not “out” 2 is baz**

**hes a homophobe on top of everything else**

 

{1:11 p.m.}  UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

_ What the fuck? _

_ Do you really think that? _

 

{1:14 p.m.}

_ How do you know he’s a homophobe? _

**how could he not be**

_ That seems like an insanely stupid assumption, Snow. _

**THATS WHAT HE CALLS ME**

**UGHHHHHHH**

**MY NAME IS SIMON**

_ That seems like an insanely stupid assumption _

_ Simon. _

**awwww**

**OMG YOU FORGOT TO PUNCTUATE**

**OMG**

**I RATTLED U**

**BABE**

_ I don’t know what you’re talking about. _

**I TOOK SCREENSHOTS FOR EVIDENCE**

_ Goodbye. _

 

{2:59 p.m.} 

**omg just had a horrible thought:**

**dont block me**

**pls**

_ I was thinking about it. _

**i need someone to rant to**

**abt baz**

**who is now scheming**

**still on his phone**

**brow wrinkled**

**now hes smiling a little**

**i hate his smile**

**disgusting**

**unsufferable**

_ *Insufferable. _

**SMILE**

**what an asshole**

**and so fucking attractive too**

_????? _

**pshhhhhh no i mean like the girls**

**they must hate him**

**because he's such a hottie**

**and then**

**he goes n fucks w em n breaks their hearts**

**he got rlly blushy for a while there wtf**

**baz never blushes**

**then he flipped me off w/o looking**

**but still**

**it must be a good girl**


	3. gay n fabulous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in one day! I'm feeling inspired. Updates will probably slow down after the next few days.
> 
> Warnings for language, crude humor, mentions of disownment/troubled family situations, bad digital safety. And I probably should have tagged for mentions of alcohol in the last two chapters. Oh well. If y'all have gotten this far, you should be fine.

{6:08 p.m.}

**lets play 20 questions**

**im listening to metallica and im drunk on a juice box**

 

{6:19 p.m.}

**rage against the machine is the best thing since aretha franklin**

 

{7:00 p.m.}

_ I detest the phrase “I’m laughing so hard right now” but I feel like it applies here. _

_ Your music taste. _

_ My God. _

_ What does your roommate think of it? _

**psh u think id let him lsiten yah right**

**i listen to tswizzle when he s aorund**

**2 piss him off**

_ Taylor Swift. _

**uh yeah where u been for the last 47567654875987465634 years**

**tswizzle**

**MY BABE**

**after u**

**anyway**

_ No, no. One moment. _

_ Metallica and Aretha Franklin? _

**SHHHHH STOP HATING**

**mr high and mighty**

_ Mr.? _

**oops**

**im super super super syoer sorry if i misgendered you and im not even kiddin bc that is SERIOUS**

**i just**

**i guess i been thinking of u as a boy**

**i’m like**

**dark-gray-ace demi-homoromantic pansexual-romantic**

**is that a thing**

_ Are you being derogatory towards the LGBTQA+ community? _

**omg nononono i would never**

**((*happy face* u got all the letters right))**

**but srsly**

**i mean it**

**thats what i am**

**like idk how to label it but thats me**

**and ur cute**

**boy or girl or other**

**except maybe not old lady but**

**cute cute cute**

**love you**

**baaabbbeeeee**

_... _

**$5 ur smiling**

_ You owe me five dollars. _

_ I don’t smile. _

 

{8:36 p.m.}  UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

_ If you knew who I was you wouldn’t think I was cute. _

 

{8:44 p.m.}

**so 20 questions?**

**yes**

**okay**

**me first**

**whats ur name**

_... _

_ I’ll go by Nico. _

**thats**

**super hot**

**ur like that guy in percy jackson**

**u know**

**the hot one**

**hot sexy death boi**

**and his hot sun god boifriend**

**thatd be me**

_ Stop. _

**lemme guess “percy jackson is trash”**

**and u not actually a boi**

**IM SORRY IM COMITING SO MANY SOSHIL ERRORS**

**rip my speling im dancinmg to p!atd**

**ok then: pronouns?**

_ I really don’t want to tell you this. _

_ I feel like you’ll be  _

_ “unsufferable”, in your words. _

_ But I suppose I can always block you. _

_ He/him. _

**AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA I KNEW IT**

**AWWWWWWW**

**I BET UR A BEUTIFUL SPECIMAN**

**FUCKIN DELICIOUS**

_ Please never use that combination of words /ever/ again. _

**yes mr fuckin delicious**

**MR fuckin delicious**

**ofc u could be lying but like who cares not MEEEEEEE**

_ How have you survived this long, with these kinds of survival instincts? _

**penny**

**or my smokin hot bod**

 

{9:09 p.m.}  UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

_ Definitely the latter. _

 

{9:10 p.m.}

_ Definitely /not/ the latter. _

_ And not your scintillating personality, either. _

**WHAT IS THAT WORD**

**STRANGER WTF**

**i mean**

**NICO**

**nico nico nico nico nico**

**nico**

**nico**

_ Oh my God, stop. _

**20 QS ARE U RELIUGUIUYS**

**SORY STILL DANNFIJG**

**DANCING***

_ I’m not religious. _

_ My family is, though. _

_ They… _

_ Do not approve.  _

_ Of me. _

**omg**

**aw**

**nico <3 babe**

**are u gay is tht why they kicked u out**

_ You’re so subtle.  _

_ Really dancing around the point, there. _

_ Yes. _

_ I am gay. _

_ Very, very gay. _

**ur baz 2.0**

**as rude n posh as baz but just altogether more gay n fabulous**

**i love u sm**


	4. virgin at heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for mentions of sexual assault/harassment, crude humor, mentions of alcohol/drugs/cigarettes, language, and frank discussion of sex and triggers relating to sex. 
> 
> I don't know what happened. This was supposed to be a completely stupid throwaway chatfic, and now I'm kind of emotionally invested. Oops.

{12:00 a.m.}

**make a wish**

_Made._

**what was urs**

_If I tell you, it won’t come true._

**mine was 2 hold ur hand**

**i looooooooooveeeeeeee holding hands**

 

{12:05 a.m.}

**baz just made this noise a minute ago**

**i thought he farted in his sleep**

**so i laughed**

**but then he sat up and glared and hes not asleep, he has his phone**

**fuckin iphone 72 or smthung idk hes rich and greasy**

**...like snape but w a rockin bod**

**but anyway it wasnt a fart**

**it was like**

**TBBBHTHT**

**like he was choking on happiness**

**idk that was lame im not a poet and i cant punctuate and**

**no im not having an identity crisis at 12 am, ill cry and baz will laugh and hahaha no**

**help. me.**

 

{12:11 a.m.}

**hes still smiling**

**kinda blushy**

**...**

**aHA he must be plotting**

 

{12:20 a.m.}

**nico**

**hon**

**babe**

**yor age?**

_*Your._

_Nineteen._

**promise?**

_Yes._

_But I wouldn’t be telling you this if it wasn’t midnight, all right?_

_Just remember that._

 

{12:26 a.m.}

**so ur 19**

**a boy**

**gay**

**not religious**

**posh**

**formal**

**absurd**

**and wonderful**

**...i want a picture**

_Not happening._

**im trustworthy promiuse prmose promise**

**i never drink never smoke never do drugs and im a virgin**

**kind of**

**okay not realy**

_How…_

_How can you be “kind of” a virgin?_

**im a virgin at heart but nowhere else**

_Snow._

**uyghhhh SIMON**

_Simon._

_That’s utterly absurd._

_Have you had sex or have you not had sex?_

**i**

**i dont wanna discuss this rlly**

_Does this have_

_anything to do with_

_you being gray-ace?_

**u remembered**

_I’m sorry I pressured you._

**its okay**

**hees the deal**

***heres**

**i sexed a bit in hi scool, experymentlly**

_Simon, that’s not a thing._

_“Slept with people.”_

_“Fucked people.”_

_“Had sex.”_

_But not “sexed.”_

**yah so i sexed in hi scool**

**then idk**

**heres the version ppl think happened:**

**my gfriend senior year pressured me**

**agatha**

**we made a te=rrbiel coyuple**

**my misspelling of terrible indiscates just how bad**

**anyway**

**i think it shld probly be counted as sexual assault or harasment or**

**idk**

**but**

**anyway thats true**

**and this is also true**

**i dont like sex, i dont want to have it**

**but my aversion to it was unrelated 2 her dumbness**

******the version ppl think happened was that**

**no more sex**

**bc of her**

**thats not tru, id always kinda suspected but i rlly realized i was aceish after i sexed**

**not after agatha**

**after agatha i just realized she was** **not nice**

**n so anyway**

**i just want u 2 kno thats what ppl /think/ but ive always**

**been that**

**what i am**

**aceish**

**“dark gray-ace”**

**i dont wanna have sex but jokes are** **still ok**

**im sry if my labeling was incorrect?**

**idk why the jokes are fine and the me part isnt**

**((the me part is never okay lets b real))**

**idk what i am nico**

**im a fucking tragedy**

**thats what i am**

 

{12:39 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

_You /are/ a fucking tragedy._

_You literally couldn’t be a bigger mess._

 

{12:42 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

_And I love it._

_Because we match._

 

{12:45 a.m.}

**baz just left**

**like slammed the door, i can hear him down the hall**

**99% shur hes crying wtFFFFF**

**ngl i kinda wanna go after him**

 

{12:48 a.m.}

_…_

_Really?_

**hha just to tease the asshle lol**


	5. get high off sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The usual warnings apply. This one's kind of short.
> 
> Thank you so much to all of the people who have left their positive thoughts and kudos on this work! I'm really flattered, especially since this started as a completely throwaway fic.

{4:36 a.m.}  UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

_ Maybe you should just _

_ give him the benefit of the doubt? _

_ How bad can he be? _

 

{4:38 a.m.}

**nico u were tyoin an dhthen u went uwiawyyyy**

_ That wasn’t English, Simon. _

**fk eglisn**

**i vie uy**

**?**

_ I’m just going to say no. _

_ I don’t know what you’re asking. _

_ But no. _

 

{5:01 a.m.}

_ Did you fall asleep? _

**no**

**im listening to tswizzle**

**i sobered up**

_ I thought you said you don’t drink. _

**i drink sleep**

**i fuckin get high off sleep**

**now**

**you were typing**

**whats up**

_ When? _

**like 4:30**

_ Oh. _

_ I was just-- _

_ I was just maybe going to suggest that you give your roommate the benefit of the doubt. _

_ And maybe go, you know.  _

_ Talk to him. Since he was crying. But it’s probably too late now. _

**NICO UR SO SWETE WOAH**

**BUT LIKE IF U KNEW BAZ**

**anyway yah idk where he is**

**where ar yeu u sound si awak**

**oh fuc im geting drunk aguahn**

_ I’m… _

_ Just at the park. _

_ Sitting. _

**I JUD REALIZED SOMETHING**

**NICO**

**U HAVE PENNYS AREA CODE**

**/MY/ AREA CODE**

**U LI E AROUND EHGRE**

**WHICH PARK WHICH PARK**

**IJFEWKYGYWFGEJHDJGFYEUWJHSVDB NICO <333333 IM COMINGIMGETTING OUT OF BED IMMA FIND YOUuUUUU**

_...I’m going to my aunt’s. _

_ Goodnight. _

**u shmeless party pooper**

**okay WELL nighty night stay safe nicky boo**

**ily like a brother**

**or**

**i guess not**

**ily like a lover**

**madly**

**desperately**

**passionately**

**dream of me babe <3**

 

{5:26 a.m.}

_ It would be a nightmare. _


	6. (not-sexually) make love to me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usual warnings apply. Plus slight stalkerish tendencies on Simon's part.
> 
> Thanks once again for all the lovely comments y'all have left. :)

{11:19 a.m.}

**yo mamas so fat she left the house in hi heels n when she came back she had on flipflops**

**AHA**

**yo mamas so fat i ran out of gas tryna drive around her**

**AHA**

**yo mamas so fat even dora couldnt explore her**

**AHA**

 

{1:34 p.m.}

**yo mamas so fat she tried to go on hunger strike with ghandi but it turned out ahe had so much boddy fat that her boddy fed off of itself and became a self sustaining machine so e eryone laughed at her cuz her hunger strike was so uneffective and awful but it turned out she made a self sustaining machine so like all the scientists were like yes pls and put her in a cage where she gave birth to u and thats why ur a zoo animal**

**isnt that so good**

**i made it up myself**

**ik u cohldnt tell cuz it sounded so pro**

**hella pro**

**where ru**

**i want u to criticize me**

 

{4:33 p.m.}

_ Kinky. _

 

{6:07 p.m.}

**omfg**

**im rubbing ;) off on u**

 

{7:00 p.m.}

_ I don't have a mama. _

**omg**

**nico**

**baby**

_ Don't ever call me that ever ever ever again. _

**BABY WHY DIDNT U TELL ME NOW I SPOILEDEVERYTHING AND IM SORRY AND MY JOKES ARE HORRIVLE AND IM A HORRIVLE PERSON AND I WANNA SHEIVEP AHSJSHDHSB WIWJDBBD BABY <3**

**((but like they were good jokes rite))**

 

{7:15 p.m.}

**Talk to me.**

_ Oh my God. _

_ You capitalized. _

_ And punctuated. _

**whATTTTt ??? ???? !!!!!!!!!)???!!))))$)()2):$:$2$-):**

**id never do that**

_ Screenshotted. _

**auahshshahHAHSJDHDHSHW FUCK**

 

{7:39 p.m.}

**srsly**

**nico**

**talk to me**

_ Why should I confess my troubles to a stranger who can’t capitalize, spell, or properly use the English language? _

_ It sounds like I’d do better with your roommate. _

**u dissin me for baz**

**omfg**

**i thought we were lovers**

**/passionate/ lovers ;)**

_ She died when I was five. _

_ Dumbass tourists at Yellowstone baited a bear and ran. _

_ She tried to. _

 

{8:01 p.m.}

**idk what to say**

**im sosorry**

_ It’s fine. I don’t need your sympathy. _

**nico**

**ur such a sensitive lil cinnamon roll**

**dont cry**

_ You may-- _

_ Um. _

_ Fuck. _

_ Ugh. _

_ Hate you. _

_ I owe you five dollars. _

**oH**

**MY GOD**

**YOU SMILED**

**BABE WTF WTF WTF WTFF FUCKFUCKK**

**AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW**

**I MADE YOU SMIIIIIIILLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE**

**so glad baz is off somewhere bc im legit dancing around the room**

_ You are-- _

_ There’s not a word strong enough to describe how indescribably awful you are. _

**and u luv it**

**u luv me**

**we r passionate lovers**

**forfuckinever**

 

{9:16 p.m.}

**baz just gave me a slice of pizza**

**what is wrong w the world today**

**its like u and he are psychhcically linked**

**idk how to spell that**

**but anytime u act weird**

**like smiling bc im hella heckin fuckin cute**

**he does too**

**damn good pizza**

**his phone is freakin out now**

**wonder who the girl is**

**imma ask him**

 

{10:00 p.m.}

**HE DIDNT EVEN PUNCH ME**

**HE SAID IT WAS NONE OF MY BUSINESS AND I SHOULD CRAWL BACK TO HELL WHR I CAME FROM**

**PRACTCLLY A LOVE LETTER**

**im just staring at him now to unnerve him**

**& ngl hes hottttttt**

**like, id do that**

**metaphoruically since i dont “do”**

**pity hes straight**

**and the rudest poshest most unsufferable terriblest jerk that ever lived**

 

{10:11 p.m.}

**he turned into this lowkey blushing mess when he read his phone**

**i wonder if u look like that when u read my texts**

 

{12:02 a.m.}

**OMG WAY**

**=WHERE R U**

**some ppl dont get that, idk why**

_ Here. I was...occupied. _

**u sound like a james bond villain**

**hi babe**

**r u jealous of baz**

**since i said hes hot**

**hawt hawt hawt**

**hawhawhthawth**

_ No, Simon. _

_ I can’t say that I am. _

**hawthawt--oh.**

**im fuckin crushed u fucker how fuckin dare yu**

_ You’re so eloquent. I always look forward to your Shakespearian comments. _

**u alwys look forward to me**

**babe**

**sweetest thing u hv ever said**

**imma go cry on bazs shoulder**

 

{12:43 a.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-978-6060 HAS SHARED THEIR LOCATION WITH YOU

 

{12:46 a.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-978-6060 HAS UNSHARED THEIR LOCATION WITH YOU

 

{12:48 a.m.}

**oh my fucking shit**

_ That’s not a thing. _

_ Also, shut up. _

_ It was an accident. _

**UR IN THE DORMS**

**UR LOCATION**

**IN THE FREAKIN DORMS**

**U GO TO MY SCHOOL**

**U LIVE WHERE I LIVE**

**U ARE IN THE CAFETERIA SMWHER**

**U DRINK FROM WATER FOUNTAINS I DO**

**U PEE WHERE I PEE**

**do u ever misfire and pee on the back of the toilet, theyr such an inconveenyent hight**

**U TAKE MY LESSONS**

**UR PROLY IN MY CLASS**

**ONE OF THEM**

**WHICH ROOM**

**WHICH ROOM**

**DO U SHOWER IN MY SHOWER**

**omg**

**i just had the dirtiest thought ive ever had ever**

**U WALK THE HALLS WHERE I WALK**

**AND THE COMMONS**

**AND THE GROUNDS**

**AND THE BIG OAK TREE W THE FAIRY LIGHTS**

**WHAT IF WERE FRENDS**

**LIKE BESTIES**

**lol what if ur penny**

**NO UR A BOI**

**UR MY BOI**

**NICKY <3**

**WERE NEIGHBORS**

**ILY**

**ILY**

**ILY**

**ILY**

**ILY**

**ILY**

**ILY**

**ILY**

**ILY**

**ILY**

**ILY**

**ILY**

**ILY**

**ILY**

 

{3:36 a.m.}

_ … _

_ I could just be sleeping with someone who goes here. _

_ Hot passionate sex. _

**lookin forward to the hot passionate not-sexual sex that we wll share smeday**

**u can not-sexually make love to me**

 

{4:01 a.m.}

_ I’m this close to blocking you. _

**no ur not**

_...No, I’m not. _


	7. vegas or the real deal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usual warnings. Plus excessive Hamilton. Just saying.

{3:13 p.m.}

**20 qstions**

**do u love me**

_ Fuck no. _

 

{3:27 p.m.}

**20 qstions**

**do u like me**

_ Hell no. _

 

{3:40 p.m.}

**progress!!!!!!!**

**do u tolerate me**

_ No. _

**HAHAHAHAHA VICTORY WE GONNA WORK UP TO LOVE NICE AND SLOW**

**ILL TELL THIS STORY AT OUR WEDDING**

**VEGAS OR THE REAL DEAL UR CHOICE**

_ Germany, to celebrate the legalization. _

**OMFG U ACTUALLY WANT TO**

**LETS GO**

_...I will never understand you. _

**if u love this woman go get her**

**what are u waiting forrrrrr**

_ Pardon me? _

**r u aaron burr sir**

**omg u unleashed the hamilbeast inside of me**

**i had tried to keep it in**

**hv u ever seen hamilton**

_ No. _

**neither have i**

**but i hv the ebtire soundtrack memorized**

**word 4 word**

**everythings coming back to me**

**no ones made a hamilton reference in like**

**5 weeks**

**damn**

**thats like going without peeing for 5789895749867568986 hours & theres a waterfall next to u**

**U AND I SHOULD WRITE A RAP MUSICAL NICKY AND IT CAN PLAY AS WE GHET MARRIED IN GERMANY**

**with lots of priude flags waving victorriusly from the hites**

**and no dads**

**bc ew**

_ You’re not a fan of your father? _

**uh**

**he left me 4 dead on pennys doorstep**

**¯\\_(ツ)_/¯**

_ That-- _

_ That is a truly horrifying emoticon.  _

_ And a really  _

_ REALLY _

_ Unfortunate occurrence. _

_ But mostly a truly horrifying emoticon. _

_ Your mother? _

**piccturing u sayingthat in a british accent**

**youuw muddah?**

_ ….That’s not British. _

**yah tis**

**tis**

**tis**

**tis**

**haha im british**

_...That’s not British, either. _

_ But--your mother? _

**dead**

**we both have fuckedup families nico**

**its okay**

**well find a family in each other**

 

{9:02 p.m.}

**THERE WOULDA BEEN NOTHIN LEFT TO DO FOR SOMUNE LESS ASTUTE HE WOULD BE EN DEADAND DESTITUTE WIHOUT A SENSEA RESOLUTION**

_ It’s “restitution”. _

 

{10:13 p.m.}

**uh bitch excuse me**

**whos hamiltrash u or me**

_ I don’t know. _

_ Hey, our kid is pretty great. _

_ By fourteen, they placed him in charge of a trading charter. _

**NICO**

**WTF HAVE U BEN HIDING FROM ME**

**BITCH**

**ILY**

**JUST**

**MARRY ME RN**

_ Sorry--in the living room stressin’. My father’s stone-faced while you’re asking for his blessin’. _

 

{10:39 p.m.}

_ Snow? _

 

{11:00 p.m.}

_ Simon? _

**DAW BABE “SIMON”**

_ That’s your name. _

**IK BUT LIKE BAZ**

**is always all**

**SNOW**

***vampire eyes***

***cackling***

***more cackling***

***screaming***

**u should move in**

**ud be such a great roommate**

**no joke**

**if i had u for a roommate id be the happiest man alive**


	8. musta been mega drunk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not gonna lie--I am VERY proud of this chapter. 
> 
> Alcohol and bad decision-making related to it, slight sexual content, crude humor, swearing, Simon stupidity, underage drinking, Baz showing real human emotion and empathy (whoa).

{11:54 a.m.}

**dont drink alcohol b4 12:01 pm**

 

{12:01 p.m.}

_ That’s arbitrary. _

_ Have you been drinking? _

 

{12:11 p.m.}

**shhh**

 

{12:16 p.m.}  **can u come n get me**

_ Are you drunk? _

**yes**

**ir no**

**idk**

**nico just**

**i just**

**come n get me**

_ I can’t. _

_ You know I can’t. _

_ Where are you? _

**pretzas**

_ Of course you’re at a gay bar at 12:20 in the afternoon. _

_ Goddammit, Simon.  _

_ Are you drunk? _

**yes**

**i tyoe better drunk than not**

**wht a fcking mess**

_ Stay there. _

_ Don’t you dare move until you’re sober. _

 

{4:57 p.m.}

**YAH I DISREGARDED U I LEFT THE BAR AND KINDA WANDERED OUTSIDE**

**AND BAZ WAS RIGHT THERE WITH SOM GROCERES**

**N I MUSTA BEEN MEGA DRUNK**

**BC I HAD THIS DREAM WHR HE**

**DROVE. ME. HOME.**

 

{5:15 p.m.} 

_ How uncharacteristic and kind. _

_ Perhaps this will convince you to treat him with more respect. _

**lol it ws a dream hon**

**best dream ive ever had, sure**

**but just a dream**

**i walked back to campus irl**

**im sure**

**...i cant remember but im sure**

 

{6:00 p.m.}

_ You should go to sleep. _

_ You sound hungover. _

**at 6 fking pm**

**i mean**

**its nice u care**

**< 3**

**v nice**

**what happened to evil nico**

_ I don’t care. I just want you to leave. _

**aaaaand thre he is**

**shame**

**u wr so sweet**

**$5 maybe? for that?**

_ In your dreams. _

_...Lke Baz. _

**ugh shut uP IDK WHY I HAD THAT STUPID DRUNK FANTASY**

************************************************DREAM**

 

{6:09 p.m.}  UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

_ I owe you somewhere around the order of five hundred dollars. _

_ Especially after that last text. _

 

{6:11 p.m.}

**r u mad at me**

_ Always. _

**aww :) thx hats reasurring <3**

 

{7:17 p.m.}

_ Twenty questions.  _

_ What’s on your bucket list? _

**meet u**

**kiss u**

**go to arkansas**

**see hamilton**

**own a bra**

**u?**

_ Never meet you. _

_ Kiss someone in the rain (not you). _

_ Convince you your roommate’s not a total asshole because it seems you’re being absurd (as per usual). _

_ Go to Italy. _

_ See Hamilton (not with you). _

_ Tell my father stridently to go fuck himself. _

_ Hold hands with a boy (not you). _

 

{7:23 pm.}  UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

_ Tell you who I am. _

_ Kiss you in the rain. _

_ Make you fall in love with me despite the fact that I /am/ your asshole roommate. _

_ Go to Italy. _

_ See Hamilton with you. _

_ Tell my father stridently to go fuck himself. _

_ Hold hands with you. _

 

{7:25 p.m.}

**have u never**

**nico**

**have u never held ahnds**

**…**

_ Never. _

**o**

**m**

**G**

**idk what to say**

**thats horrible**

**horriblehorriblehorrible**

**imma hold ur hand**

_ We’re not meeting. _

_ And no.  _

**we dont have to**

**wed be sitting next to each other**

**watchin a movie**

**something horrible and terrifying that ud love and id hate**

**((i make sacrifices for love))**

**dark**

**ur hand on ur knee**

**my hand on mine**

 

{7:37 p.m.}

**it would be distracting**

**to have our hands so close**

 

{7:40 p.m.}

**id lift mine and ud look at me n id slide my hand against yours**

**very softly**

**ud turn urs over**

**palm against palm**

**and our fingers would just**

 

{7:44 p.m.}

**interlock**

**neatly**

**like a movie**

 

{7:46 p.m.}

**ur hands warm**

**a little callused**

**i hold it for the rest of the movie**

 

{7:49 p.m.}

**we dont wanna let go**

 

{8:01 p.m.}  UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

_ I am so unbearably in love with you right now. _

 

{8:15 p.m.}

_ Keep dreaming, Snow. _


	9. bet i could squeez some more ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usual warnings.
> 
> I won't get another chapter up until after Tuesday or Wednesday of this week, because I'll be without a computer starting tomorrow. Hopefully this one will hold you through 'til then.

{10:34 p.m.}

**20 qstions**

**favorite person in the wrld**

**ik u gonna say me but imma spesify: an irl person**

_ You’re my least favorite person in the world. _

**< 3**

_ Probably my little sister. _

**dawwwwwww**

**is she cuuuuute**

**i bet she issssss if shes related 2 u she hassss to b**

**like, not weirdly cute**

**u know**

**;like, kid cute**

**like pudgy cheeks n shit**

_ She’s seven and is currently going through a Goth Barbie phase. _

**how precocious**

 

{11:11 p.m.}

**make a wish**

_ Made. _

**wht was urs**

_ I don’t feel the need to tell you. _

**tell me**

_ No, thank you, no, no, no. _

**so many commas**

**a plethora of commas**

_ Nice word! _

**aw i squeezed an exclamation point outta u**

_ That was the most inexpressibly dirty sentiment I have ever heard. _

**BAHAHAHA UR RIGHT**

**bet i could squeez some more ;) ;)**

 

{11:58 p.m.}

**did u smile when u saw this text come in**

_ No. _

**rlly**

_ No. _

**thats what i thought**

**luv u**

_ Sure you do. _

**???? hAVNT U EVER HEARD IFO LIOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?????**

_ Love at first sight is a patently ridiculous and untrue concept. _

_ Thought up by morons and distributed to an idiotic and brainwashed community of romantic fools. _

**…….im guessing u dont like lala land then**

_ I mean. _

_ The music was moderately decent. _

**AND WHT ABT THE LOVE**

**N THE TRAGEDY**

**N THE LOVE**

**N THE TRAGEDY**

**N ESPECIALLY THE TRAGEDY**

_ It was one-dimensional. Predictable. It glorified things. _

**ur just sayin that 2 save face bc u cried ur fuckin head off when u saw the end**

**it was beautifuk**

**nico im crying**

**u think im an idiotic brainwashed romantic fool**

**and u like lala land**

**yes fuckin please**

 

{12:33 a.m.}

**baz keeps making these lil dying duck noises**

**i asked him again abt the girl**

**he said she was lovely and had held his hand and i shoud fuck off and flush my head down the toilet**

**…**

**!!!!!!!!she held his hand!!!!!!!!!**

**who would hold bazs hand?**

 

{1:00 a.m.}

_ I’d like to meet this Baz. _

**...u wanna meet baz n not me**

_ Yes. _

_ I find him intriguing. _

***horrifying**

_ The fact that I trust your opinion about as much as I trust Hamilton not to cheat means there’s a very large chance he’s a lovely guy. _

_ We could get coffee. _

_ Hold hands, even. _

**HV U HEARD NOTHING IVE SAID**

**HES HOMOPHOBIC N HORRIBLE N**

_ You don’t know he’s homophobic. _

_ Actually, people who are (irrationally) suspected of having homophobic tendencies often turn out to be self-denying and gay. _

_ Or just gay. _

_ Very, very gay. _

 

{1:12 a.m.}

**BAZ GAY OMG**

**CAN U IMAGINE**

**HES LITERALLY WEARING A SOCCER JERSEY TO BED**

**IM WEARING A PINK TSHIRT THAT SAYS “BABE” ON IT**

 

{1:36 a.m.}

**omfg**

**nucooooo**

**do u rember whn i sed u n baz wr psyhchialyl linked**

**((sry tyoung fast iugnore spelking errors))**

_ Yes, I remember. _

_ Another reason to suggest we’d be the best of friends. _

**SHHH**

**HJE COOEDNME SINIB**

_ Pardon? _

**HE CLOE DME SIUM**

_ Ah, that clears things right up. _

**EFUCKKKKKK**

**HE CALED ME SIMON**

_...Yes, that’s your name. _

**NONIBONONO DO U REMBER**

***CACKLING***

**SNOOWWWWWWWWWWWW**

**like fuckin ursula in the lil mermaid**

**n im ariel**

**or that hot prince**

**((damn he was fine))**

**BUT I SAID**

**WHY U GLARIN @ ME BOI**

**n he was like**

**glaring simon? rlly? cant i stare off into space every once n a while without u finding a reason im plotting agaisnt u???????????**

**n i was like**

**BAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZ**

**JU CALLEDNME SIUIMMMMONNNNNNN**

**i think i had fuckin heart eyes**

**thn he threw a jockstrap at me**

**were practically bffs now**

 

{3:00 a.m.}

**ugh u know when u get the toilet plunger stuk to the flor**

**n ur dorm superviser is like**

**fuckin in tallahasee**

**not**

**/fucking/ in tallahasee**

**but fucking /in tallahasee/**

**i mean**

**for all i know she is**

_ Simon. _

**:) the way u say my name is like a hug :)**

**:) over the wireless network :)**

**:) a phone hug :)**

_ You utter moronic dickhead. _

**awwwwww**

_ How did you get the toilet plunger adhered to the floor? _

**the toilet ws clogged**

**i ws curious if the plugner wold stikto everything or just toilets**

**turns out it sticks to everythig**

**¯\\_(ツ)_/¯**

_ Don’t ever send me that again. _

**¯\\_(ツ)_/¯**

**¯\\_(ツ)_/¯**

**¯\\_(ツ)_/¯**

**¯\\_(ツ)_/¯**

**¯\\_(ツ)_/¯**

**¯\\_(ツ)_/¯**

**¯\\_(ツ)_/¯**

**¯\\_(ツ)_/¯**

**¯\\_(ツ)_/¯**

**¯\\_(ツ)_/¯**

**¯\\_(ツ)_/¯**

 

{3:15 a.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-978-6060 HAS SHARED THEIR LOCATION WITH YOU

 

{3:16 a.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-978-6060 HAS UNSHARED THEIR LOCATION WITH YOU

 

{3:17 a.m.}

_ FUCK. _

_ I was trying to block you. _

**UR IN THE DORMS AGAIN**

**WTF NICO BABE LOVER LIGHT OF MY LIFE**

**< 3**

**UR NOT SLEEPING W OSMEONE HERE**

**!!!!!!!!U LIVE HERE!!!!!!!!**

**i feel lightheaded**

**that could just be b ci tried to pull the punger up and instead hit my head on the towl rack**


	10. miss him if he left

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been a while! Know it's late but I wanted to get this up here before I forgot, or let it stagnate and started hating it. For now, I love it.
> 
> Y'all have left me the nicest comments. I really, really, really appreciate it. I write because I love it, not for the comments and kudos and feedback, but I'm not gonna lie--every time I see that little (1) in my inbox, I'm inspired, and smile a little more. So thanks for that.
> 
> Usual warnings. Let me know if you see anything else potentially dangerous to the human race. Et cetera. Have a lovely night, everyone.

{1:11 p.m.}

**i called baz boo today**

**look on his face was fking pricelesssssss**

**he left immediatly**

**goin to go scrub the gay off i assume**

 

{2:03 p.m.}

_Or wank in the bathroom._

 

{2:47 p.m.}

**nico**

**im floored**

**u did not just say that**

**omg**

**im laughing so hard**

**WANK?**

**wanker**

**u wanking wanker u**

**wank me ;)))))))))**

_******Jerk off._

**BOI N U SAY UR NOT BRITISH**

_I read a lot of British books._

_And I still suspect your “homophobic” rommate is gay._

_I could probably seduce him, anyway._

_I’m very good at s_ _eduction._

**speaking of jerking off u nasty boi**

**baz is in the room how subtle do u think i can be**

 

{3:00 p.m.}

**IM JOKING FRIEND RELAX**

**HE LEFT**

**COOL UR GUNS**

**IM NOT SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO UR NAUGHTY TEXTING**

_Thank you for this extremely relevant information that I will treasure for the rest of my life._

**WILL U ;)**

**i wanna know where baz is tho**

**did u know i dont evn have his number**

**liek**

**wut????????**

**WE ROOMMATES BITCH**

**ROMMTES HAVE EACH OTHERS BACKS**

**if this was a book wed watch ferris bueller together n cuddle**

**n sing hamilton**

**wed text each other dirty jokes**

**wed hold hands**

_Oh, Snow._

_I’m not sure if those are all things roommates ordinarily do._

_If so, my roommate and I need to up our game._

**…**

**u have a roommate**

**male or female**

**i FORGOT U GO TO MY COLLEGE**

_...Every time, this is like a brand-new discovery._

_Male._

_And._

_He’s very cute._

_Immensely cute._

**….**

**duxkfehwifghtenm**

**fuckin fight me**

**make him fight me**

**ill kill him**

**bet hes ugly af**

**bet hes a pitiable excuse fr a human being**

**damn**

**damndamndamn**

**U GON DENY OUR LOVE FOR SOME SHITTYASS DUMB ROOMMATE OF URS????????**

 

{4:02 p.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

_I screenshotted all of that. Thank me later, you shittyass dumb roommate of mine._

_When we’re dating._

_…_

_When we’re friends._

_…_

_When we’re on generally civil terms._

_…_

_WHO AM I KIDDING WE’LL NEVER BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN ENEMIES FUCKING KILL ME NOW END THIS MISERY WHY DO YOU TORTURE ME SO_

 

{4:08 p.m.}

_There’s no love to deny for this “shittyass dumb roommate of [mine]”._

**omg ur such a pretentious ass**

**u put the [ ]**

**who tf does thatwhat does that even mean**

**ily**

**ur crazy**

**fuckin nuts**

**ily anyway**

_It would be a bit hypocritical of you not to, seeing as you’re moderately insane yourself._

**MODERATELY**

**BBY STEPS**

**WE MAKIN PROGRESS**

**TWENTY QUESTIONS DO U TOLERATE ME**

_...I suppose. That you’re. Occasionally. Sometimes. A little bit entertaining._

_But not often._

_Like maybe, once every two days._

_For a very short amount of time._

 

{4:19 p.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

_You make me laugh so hard I cry. You make me smile, all the time. Those “lil dying duck” noises I make are all because of you. Everything I am right now, I am because of you._

 

{4:21 p.m.}

**nicky idk if u realize how much im in love w u**

**like**

**it would be a criminal act to deny our love**

**lets kill ur roommate and run away**

 

{4:25 p.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

_Keep the roommate._

_I’d miss him if he left._


	11. wads, u wanker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usual warnings. Plus sexual content.
> 
> I am trying so hard to get back to all those lovely people who left comments. Can't promise how long it will be. Enjoy this next chapter, short as it is.

{10:24 p.m.}

**nico**

**nicolas**

_ It’s… _

_ Nicodemus, actually. _

**wow how great I WAS JUST THINKIN I NEEDED /MORE/ PoSH ABSURDITY**

**NICODEMUS**

**WTF ARE U FROM THE 18TH CENTURY**

 

{10:30 p.m.}

**wanna ft**

_ As in, FaceTime? _

**psh whatev**

_ No. _

_ I absolutely one hundred percent do not. _

 

{10:33 p.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-766-8149 HAS REQUESTED TO FACETIME

 

{10:34 p.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-978-6060 HAS DENIED THE FACETIME REQUEST

 

{10:35 p.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-766-8149 HAS REQUESTED TO FACETIME

 

{10:36 p.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-978-6060 HAS DENIED THE FACETIME REQUEST

 

{12:00 a.m.}

**how incredibly rude**

**but u kno**

**im over it**

**im throwin lil pieces of balld up paper at baz**

**one might even call em wads**

**wads**

**wads, u wanker**

_ I’m trying to sleep. Shut up. _

**no ur not**

**ur smiiiiiiiiiiling**

**i bet i can make u smile more**

**wanna know how id kiss u**

_ No. I might vomit. _

***smile**

**i would be laughing**

**u would 2**

**mayb**

**actually idk u might be glowering**

**i would kinda fall against u**

**cuz i was laughin so hard**

**i bet u have a very strong chest**

**i bet im level with like, yr chin**

**my face would end up in that part of ur neck where its by your shoulder and id probaly drool all over u**

**id take ur shoulders**

**pull myself upright**

**look at u**

**then i would lean firward**

**nd i would o so gently**

**bite.**

**your.**

**jaw.**

 

{12:29 a.m.}

_ nfwhjbdgbdfghvjyehgdhjvjhdfhvrjfhd fuck you. _

_ Ahem. _

_ I was not affected by that at all. _

**u lil**

**WANKER**

**ILYSM**

**I MADE U SMILE**

**I MADE U LOSE COMPOSURE**

**I MADE U BE A FLIRTY BLUSHY IDIOT**

**ALL BY BITING UR JAW**

**ur socute i cant even deal**

**i wonder what woulda hppened if id actually gotten to the kissin part**

**ud hv been a litle nico explosion**

**kapow**

 

{12:36 a.m.}

**id lick ur top lip**

**v slowly**

 

{12:40 a.m.}

_ That’s overrated. _

**excus me???????**

_ Tongue is overrated. _

_ Just. _

_ Do it like this. _

_ Not that-- _

_ You know. _

_ Not that I’d want you to.  _

_ To me. _

_ EVER. _

_ But. _

_ I figure I should educate you. _

_ So here’s how I would. _

_ NOT BECAUSE I’M ATTRACTED TO YOU!!!!!!! _

_ I would  _ _ kiss your bottom lip. _

_... _

_ Then your top lip. _

_... _

_... _

_ I would turn my head. _

_ It would be really light. _

_...Our noses would probably get in the way, seeing as you’re an unbearably clumsy asshole. _

_ I would put a hand to your temple _

_ and push back your hair. My other hand would be on your waist. _

_ I would kiss you for so long, y _ _ ou wouldn’t be able to breathe. _

_ When you did--when I gently pushed your mouth open with mine-- _

_ you would breathe my air. _

_ I would be reluctant to let you go. _

 

{1:03 a.m.}

_ I’m going to bed. _

_ Goodnight. _


	12. don't need to know why you went to the bathroom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's a bit heavier. Warnings for Simon's past and all the triggers that come with it. Lots of the f-word. Implied/referenced homophobia (if you squint, I'm just warning to make sure).
> 
> Underline is Penny.  
> Bold and italics is Agatha.

{10:19 a.m.}

Does he know it’s you yet?

_ No.  _

_ Of course not. _

When are you going to tell him?

_ I’m not. _

_ Are you actually insane? _

I don’t know

If you ever decide to, let me know

I want to be in the room when he reads it

So I can see the look on his face

 

{12:44 p.m.}

_ He still hasn’t responded. _

_ I knew it was too much. _

_ … _

_ Bunce, I don’t know what to do. _

_ He must have taken it too far. _

_ It was literally a platonic kiss. _

Basilton

Hon

That’s fucking absurd

 

{1:04 p.m.}

Didn’t you see his reaction, though?

Since you’re ROOMMATES??

_ I couldn’t. _

_ I got up right after the jaw-biting. _

_ And went to the bathroom. _

_ For _

_ reasons. _

_ And finished the PLATONIC kiss there. _

_ And then I slept at Fiona’s again. _

_ I haven’t gone back yet. _

TMI

don’t need to know why you went to the bathroom

You should go back and see him

_ Yeah, no thanks. _

Then I will

Be right back

_ Bunce, no. _

_ Bunce. _

_ Penelope. _

_ PENNY. _

_ STOP. _

 

{1:31 p.m.}

The door was locked

 

{1:33 p.m.}

Hey Simon, are you okay? Your door’s locked

 

{1:36 p.m.}

**penny she found me**

 

{1:37 p.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-766-8149 HAS SENT A SCREENSHOT

 

{1:37 p.m.} SCREENSHOT CONTENTS

**_hey simon! got ur number from rhys. hows college?_ **

**_okay that was so fake and bad_ **

**_si_ **

**_i honestly_ **

**_like_ **

**_im so sorry_ **

**_idk what to say_ **

 

{1:40 p.m.} 

Oh my God

Basilton

Look at this

 

{1:41 p.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-766-4520 HAS SENT A SCREENSHOT

 

{1:45 p.m.}

_ What the fuck does she think she’s playing at? _

_ Doesn’t she know what she’s DONE to him? _

Baz I think he’s really torn up

I don’t know what to do

Can you come back? You have a key

He won’t let me in

 

{1:48 p.m.}

_ Stay the fuck out of my boyfriend’s life. _

**_ur_ **

**_excuse me?_ **

**_do ik u?_ **

_ My name is Baz Grimm-Pitch. _

_ Your name’s Agatha. _

_ I repeat. _

_ Stay the fuck out of my boyfriend’s life. _

**_are u talking abt simon??_ **

**_what the fuckkkkk_ **

**_is he gay??_ **

**_is that why he was so weird abt everything all the time?_ **

**_baz?_ **

**_baz?_ **

 

{2:00 p.m.}

**_baz?_ **

 

{2:02 p.m.} 

THE CONTACT NUMBER (217)-608-2455 HAS BEEN BLOCKED

 

{2:06 p.m.}

Baz, come back

What did you do?

 

{2:08 p.m.}

**_simon wtf_ **

**fuck off aggie i dont want 2 talk 2 u**

**_how did ur boyfriend get my number_ **

**excuse me?**

**_ur boyfriend_ **

**_u know_ **

**_(204)-978-6060_ **

**_baz_ **


	13. DON'T GET EXCITED: Bonus Content of Simon's Reaction to the Kiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just tying up that night a bit. I'm not so kind as to relieve you of your cliffhanger yet.
> 
> Warnings for usual cheerful Simon bumbling that could potentially offend. Sexual content/jokes.

{1:36 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

**BBEUHJKBDSBKHDSHKBDSHBKDSHBKDSBHKDSBHKDSBKSDBKDSBHDSBHKDSBHKDSBKHDSKBHDSBHKSDBHKSDKBSDBHKDSBHKSDBHKDSBHKSDBHKDSBHKDSBHKSDBHKSDBHKSDBHKSDBHKDSBHKDSBHKDSBHKSDBHKDSufegrisdyfgwjyhgdsv,jhgjwrhgsdfhjEUHKWFGJHEWHGFYEWGJHBMDBSJFWFDHJKEOUYFHGEGDHGHAJSGSFDGFVDBNVBXVCBVXSAghegyehjgfhjergidujhgew,dhsbjgewyhgfhwjegfhjwegfhjwegfsdafwhgfegjrtuoikhjgmnrfvbwbcbwbckbhkwerhkberkherhkerhkrbhrfbotghjkbewjlnahsdvsdbzvxbvcvbxvbckvdhvkevnaskhvwqdgjwebjkhewjkfhkewgkhfwegfkhewgfkhewngfkhwegfwehkgr2khgewfbhdsncxweuhjkdsbnbhejgdbvbbsbbnnbnbnbnbnbnbnbbnsuguywejhsdvbgiuywqgyu378478475479549754jbgojkfbnbdshasvhvshvhvavshvdhvsfkhfvjdks**

 

{1:43 a.m.}

MESSAGE HAS BEEN DELETED: DRAFT TOO LONG TO SEND

 

{2:13 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

**u kno how i said i wasnt sexually attracted to ur texts**

**pfft**

**simon u blatant liar u**

**pfft**

**pfft**

**PFFT**

**PFFFFFFffffuck**

**can i still be gray-ace if i get sexually aroused???????**

**tell u a secret**

**(well not cuz these aint sending but)**

**ive never gotten aroused? the sex was bad bc i wasnt**

**but im a lil bit now**

**just like tingly and happy and**

**well**

**HOW DO PPL KNOW THIS STUFF**

**WHAT AM I NICO**

**i dont want to sex but i want to think abt sex**

**with you**

 

{2:19 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

**nicky u kno everythng**

**tel me what i am**

 

{2:20 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

**idk why im not sending any of this**

**oh yah**

**i do**

**im not sending bc im freakin out now bc i feel like**

**we actualy have a chance**

**no offens but u were kinda like**

**a pipe dream**

**like a bad fanfic**

**thas what this felt like**

**n now**

**like**

**i think**

**i think i have a chance**

**i dont wanna mess up**

**i think give me some time and i could**

**win u over**

**i could kiss u 4 real**

**i could see u**

**n hold ur hand**

**thats fucking terrifying**

**i didnt that could ever happen**

**woah**

**woah.**

 

{3:09 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

**i need 2 either send or go 2 sleep**

**i dont want 2 do eihter**

**MISS U BABE**

**< 3 <3 <3 <3 oooxoxooxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxxxxxxxx whichones are kisses i frgt**

**o well take all of em**

 

{3:13 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

**u good at kissing**

**i mean**

**virtually**

**but i bet u good irl too**

**soft lips**

**MMmmMMMMmmmMMM…...mmmmmMMMmmm...mmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmm...o babe pls yesss...mmGHGHHHHHhhMmmmmm**

**fuck off simon**

**((can u tell**

**im channeling u))**

 

{3:21 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

**oh yah i forgt to tell u but baz picked up n LEFTTTTTTTT**

**right b4**

**The Kiss™**

**halelooyah he didnt see me j--**

**um**

**nvm**

 

{3:25 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

**OH WAIT**

**IM NOT SENDING ANY OF THESE**

 

{3:28 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

**he didnt see me reacting to ur kiss**

**…**

**i say**

**“reacting”**

**((that whole long jumble of letters**

**that wouldnt send bc of fuckin length requirments**

**that was accompanied by**

**“reacting”))**

**am i aceish nicodemus**

**...u posh n lovely lil rascal?**

**i doubt it now**

**bc of my  “reaction”**

**i dont know how this stuff works**

 

{3:44 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

**i feel a lil better**

**thr are all these different layers of ace**

**like**

**physically repulsd is one end of the spectrum**

**SPECCCCCCTRUUUUUUUMMMMMM**

**thats a dayum good word**

**what was i sayin**

**oh yah**

**repulsed is one end of the SPEEEYCTCTTRUUUMMMMMMMMM**

**((that was spelled right))**

**n then at the other end**

**thr r like ppl who would totally do sex fr their partners or whatever**

**if their partners wanted to**

**but they just, u know**

**would wnt to go swimming more**

**thats a big spectrum**

**i like that**

**still not sure where i fall**

**cant find a place for**

**“generally repulsd by the physical act of sex but not that repulsed by mental fantasies of the physical act of sex”**

**“and does not object to a lil, um, REACTING and dealing w the reaction ever y once in a while”**

**“also jokes are funny”**

**“especially my own”**

**“n penises are semi hot”**

**“but i wouldnt want one in me”**

**“ever”**

**…**

**god damn**

**thr should be a spectrum just for me**

 

{5:00 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

**look**

**here**

**what ive been trying to say IS:**

**i rlly like u**

**like, really**

**and i know thas crazy cuz this is all digital n idk ur real name or appearance or ANYTHING**

**but i know u?**

**i mean, i do**

**it feels like i do**

**i know u nicky**

**…**

**and i like what i know**

 

{5:11 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

**goodnight nico bb love babe hon sweetie pie cutie n thank u so much**

**rlly**

**4 the sweet n considerate**

**n reaction-inducing**

**BOI ON BOI ACTION**

**…**

**what can i say ;)**

**even tho u cant see any of this i still couldnt resist**


	14. left me on read

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usual warnings. This chapter is in fact a continuation of the cliffhanger. No more teaser bonus content for you.

{2:30 p.m.}

**…**

**nico?**

**i have**

**some questions.**

 

{2:32 p.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-766-8149 HAS SENT A SCREENSHOT

 

{2:33 p.m} SCREENSHOT CONTENTS

**_simon wtf_ **

**fuck off aggie i dont want 2 talk 2 u**

**_how did ur boyfriend get my number_ **

**excuse me?**

**_ur boyfriend_ **

**_u know_ **

**_(204)-978-6060_ **

**_baz_ **

 

{2:34 p.m.}

**nico id um**

**id appreciate if you could answer me**

**like, now**

**pls**

**im really fucking confused**

**and**

**im kinda scared**

**nico**

 

{2:37 p.m.}

_I’m here._

_Let me just read that screenshot._

 

{2:39 p.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

_I am the biggest fucking idiot in the entire fucking world………………….._

 

{2:40 p.m.}

_I don't understand?_

**thats agatha**

**txting me**

**how does she know ur number**

**why does she think ur baz**

**how does she know abt u**

**why does she think ur my boyfriend**

**nico**

**what**

**the**

**fuck**

**is**

**going**

**on**

 

{2:49 p.m.}

**nico im an atheist but so help me god ill eat ur sorry “left me on read” ass for breakfast**

**that sounded weirdly sexual**

**u know what i mean**

 

{2:51 p.m.}

_PENELOPE BUNCE IF YOU CALL YOURSELF MY WINGWOMAN THEN HELP ME PLEASE WHAT AM I GOING TO DO????!!!!!_

 

{2:52 p.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER  (204)-978-6060 HAS SENT A SCREENSHOT

 

{2:53 p.m.} SCREENSHOT CONTENTS

**thats agatha**

**txting me**

**how does she know ur number**

**why does she think ur baz**

**how does she know abt u**

**why does she think ur my boyfriend**

**nico**

**what**

**the**

**fuck**

**is**

**going**

**on**

 

{2:53 p.m.}

What the fuck? I'm so confused

Did you talk to Agatha?

Oh my God

Basilton

What did you do?

_I ruined everything._

_I got her number off the screenshot you sent._

_I told her to stay the fuck away from my “boyfriend”._

_I told her my real name._

_She went back to Simon and now he's out for blood, basically._

_I don't know what to do._

Where are you?

_Outside the dorms. Under the big maple._

_I'll sleep at Fiona’s tonight. I can't face him._

Shit

You need to text him back ASAP

_And tell him what???_

Uh

THE TRUTH?

You've been lying to him

Let's be real

You've been fucking lying to his face

Uh

His virtual face

 

{3:00 p.m.}

_So, I’m in regular contact with your friend Penny._

_She sent me the screenshot you sent her, of Agatha making contact with you._

**UR PENNYS FRIEND??????**

**penny has like, 2 friends**

_I'm not sure if I'd say “friend”._

**WAIT SO SHE KNOWS WHO U R**

**AND THAT U HV BEEN TALKIN TO ME**

**AND SHE HASNT TOLD ME??????????????????**

**BOI**

**WE ARE GONNA TALK**

**after ofc we are finished talking here**

_I read Agatha’s number off of the screenshot._

 

{3:05 p.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

_Simon._

_You don't--_

_You don't even know, how mad I was._

_About what she did to you._

_About how she dared to talk to you, afterwards._

_About how she could be so flippant._

 

{3:08 p.m.}

_I texted her._

_I told her to stay the fuck out of your life._

_To show her you had real backup, I said I was your boyfriend._

 

{3:09 p.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

_Let's be real. I just wanted that. Even though it's a lie. I wanted (and want) to be your boyfriend. Written out absolute like that. /Real/._

 

{3:10 p.m.}

_I didn't realize you weren't out to her._

_It was not the smartest move._

_I was not the kindest._

_Nor the most eloquent._

_Um._

_Yeah._

_I think that's it._

 

{3:15 p.m.}

**im crying**

**ur my knight in shining armor**

**u defended my honor**

**u stood up for me**

**rashly**

**stupidly**

**just like me**

_You're already shrugging this off and making some idiotic badly-punctuated joke out of it._

_Aren’t you mad?_

_At her? At me? Aren't you utterly torn up?_

_I know that, obviously, your sexuality is not because of her. I'm not saying that._

_I'm just saying, whatever came out of it, that's a scarring experience._

_...And Penny said you were._

_Earlier._

**do u want me to b mad**

**u sound like u do**

_I don't know._

 

{3:23 p.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

_I don't know anything anymore._

 

{3:24 p.m.}

_Maybe I'm worried you're going to forgive her._

_Or take her back._

 

{3:27 p.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

_Maybe I'm worried of losing you._

 

{11:11 p.m.}

**make a wish**

 

{11:13 p.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

_That's all I get?_

_I need to stop fucking falling in love._

 

{11:15 p.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

**nico idk what**

**idk what to say**

**i AM mad**

**n torn up**

**i just thought u wanted goofy bumbling simon out of me all the time no matter what**

**i didnt know**

**i didnt know u cared abt all of me**

**i didnt know u cared at all**

**i didnt know u wld take me seriously**

**or listen to my madness n sadness when i had it**

**or stand up for me to my ex**

**or virchually kiss me**

**or**

**or**

**idk**

**idk what 2 say**

**except tht**

 

{11:28 p.m.}

**i wished for u**

**…..**

**shit i sound like the villain in a period drama**

**all i need is a cigarette n a mustache**

**n a brooding expression**

**n a sword to twirl**

**rip id proly decapitate myself**

**u could weep over my body**

**((wtf simon how did u get on this tangent))**

 

{12:35 a.m.}

**WAIT**

**WAIT**

**WAIT**

**HANG ON A SEX**

***sec godsamirdnjdhs**

**whyd she think u were baz?**

**u never answered that**

 

{1:00 a.m.}

**nico?**

**…**

**...nico?**


	15. hes very german

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usual warnings, plus Agatha.
> 
> Baz corrects Simon's spelling/grammar, and Simon thinks it's cute. Agatha corrects Simon's spelling/grammar, and he is inexpressibly pissed off about it.

{1:12 a.m.}

_Bunce, are you still up? I require assistance._

Goddamit, Basilton, haven’t you got this figured out by now? 

(I might add that as a result of this shitshow you’ve engineered, Simon has not left the room for approximately thirty-six hours, and has missed an accordingly horrible number of classes) 

(And he still won’t let me in) 

_Look, he wants to know about the Baz thing._

“The Baz thing” 

HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO 

YOU’RE BAZ 

IT’S NOT THAT COMPLICATED 

 

{1:20 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

_I’m Baz._

 

{1:22 a.m.}

**i saw u typing u wanker**

**i hope theres a nice long juicy explanation coming my way**

**5 more minutes n im texting agatah**

***gatha**

***agata**

***afa**

***ahaha**

***atata**

***agrtha**

***FUCK MY FINGERS AGATHA**

**whoa whoa whoa**

**not**

**fuck my fingers**

**i mean**

**not**

**LITERALLY**

**fuck my fingers**

**i just meant**

**like**

**fuck my fingers**

**like, screw them**

**no**

**thats not what i meant**

**like, typing**

**u know**

**theyr bad at typung**

**OKAY WHATEVER U HAVE 5 MINUTES TO TEXT ME STARTING NOW AND THEN WE R TXTING AGATHA**

**and ima get all sad and u gona be sad bc u actualy care wen im sad and aw**

**i just teared up**

**its 1:31 n u have 5 mins**

 

{1:31 a.m.}

_I can’t tell him._

You’re a big fat goddamn coward 

_I know._

_It’s my most attractive personality trait._

 

{1:32 a.m.}

**4 mins**

**pullin up aggies contact**

**her last txt still says**

**“baz”**

 

{1:33 a.m.}

_What about this?_

_I tell him that I told her I was Baz._

_It was just the first male name that came to mind._

Simon is not that dumb 

_great thanks for your approval doing that now._

 

{1:34 a.m.}

_I told her I was Baz._

**u had 15 seconds left nice job**

**why tf wld u do that??**

_It was the first male name that came to mind._

**oh**

**i guess i must complain abt him alot**

**does tht mean ur real names nico n u wanted to protect ur real identity**

_…_

_Yes._

_My real name is Nico._

 

{1:39 a.m.}

_He is indeed that dumb._

It’s so hard to have faith in him when, like, I have absolutely no faith in him 

 

{1:41 a.m.}

**I HAVE THE YRBOOK**

**THERE ARE TWO NICOS**

**ONE IS NICO PALMER**

**CAPTAIN OF THE CHESS CLUB**

**HE LOOKS LIKE BLOND CHRIS PINE**

**i dont normaly go for blondes but hon id make sacrifcs for uy**

**chris pine is hAWT**

**THE OTHER IS NICO FROUZHEN**

**he um**

**hes very german**

 

{1:49 a.m.}

**TALK TO ME BABE**

 

{1:50 a.m.}

_I have just started to realize the magnitude of what I pulled off._

It’s not over yet 

_Why not?_

Agatha’s not been accounted for 

Wild cards suck 

 

{2:30 a.m.}

**_simon r u ever going to think abt texting me back_ **

**_i dont want anything_ **

**_i promise_ **

**IM DYING**

**SINCE WHEN HAVE U “NOT WANTED ANYTHING”**

**all uv ever wanted out of me is want**

**wait**

**_simon i just want to know abt ur boyfriend_ **

**_im not, like, homophobic_ **

**_r u gay?_ **

**NO AGATHA IM PANSEXUAL**

**ACTUALLY IM**

**on-the-lighter-side-of-browngray-ace demi-homoromantic pansexual-romantic**

**and im fucking proud of it**

**so you can go sexually corrupt other boys and leave me tf alone**

 

{2:44 a.m.}

**_i just looked all those up_ **

**_how are u asexual_ **

**_u_ **

**_u know_ **

**_did it_ **

**_in high school_ **

**_and not just with me (im not an idiot ik u werent a virgin b4 me)_ **

 

**goddammitttt agatyaahaha**

**being asexual DOESNT MEAN IM LIKE ALLERGIC TO SEX**

**I TRIED IT BC EVERYONE ELSE WAS**

**AND I KNEW THE MINUTE I DID IT THAT I WASNT INTO IT**

**id known before**

_**was it me? did i make u** _ **asexual?**

**HELL FUCKING NO**

**I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE ASEXUAL AS A SEPARATE THING FROM UR SEXUAL HARASSMENT OF ME**

**im just not into sex and THATS MY RIGHT**

**U HAVE NO RIGHT TO SEXUALLY HARASS ME**

**U DIDNT HAVE A RIGHT THEN**

**BUT I HAVE RIGHTS**

**my sexuality n privacy n self n**

**GAGAGGGGGHHGGFTDTRFGHJ**

**I HAVE SO MANY RIGHTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**and if u respect those rights, ull get out of my life**

**now, goodbye**

**_wait!!!!_ **

**_b4 i go_ **

**_bc i understand_ **

**_i want 2 say_ **

**_im happy 4 u, si_ **

**_i rlly am_ **

**_and im sorry_ **

**well**

**okay**

**i appreciate tht**

**as little as it means coming from u**

**_he seems_ **

**_v protective_ **

**_ur boyfriend_ **

**yes hes lovely**

**my favorite**

**my love**

**< 3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3**

**_nice name 2_ **

**o yah**

**i suppose**

**yah**

**_love the hyphen_ **

**...what hifen??**

**_nice spelling lolz_ **

**_the HYPHEN_ **

**_in his last name_ **

**_grimm-pitch_ **

**…**

**oh right. my bad.**

 

{3:10 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

**nico?**

**i hate to distrust u**

**but i dont think nico IS ur real name**

 

{3:11 a.m.}

**hey nico bud friend brother lover**

**did i ever tell u bazs last name?**


	16. are u aware that were makin LOOOOOOVEEEEEEEE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is super lame but the only reason they haven't already figured it out already is because I really don't want to write an in-person scene.....idk about y'all, but when I read textfics where the in-person scenes are disappointing, I lose all enthusiasm for the rest of the fic. 
> 
> That being said, I can't write Idiotic Simon and Shifty Baz for the rest of eternity. As much as I'd like to. Not gonna lie.

{7:36 a.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (217)-608-2455 HAS BEEN UNBLOCKED

 

{7:37 a.m.}

_ All right, Agatha. _

_ I’m going to need your help. _

 

{9:02 a.m.}

**_u honestly expecting me 2 help u in ANY way after how u treated me_ **

_ Yes. I am. _

_ Do you know why? _

_ Because of how you treated Simon. _

**_i regret it_ **

**_a lot_ **

_... _

_ I SURE FUCKING HOPE SO. _

**_...fine_ **

**_what do u need_ **

 

{9:41 a.m.}

**hey pen**

**u and i need to talkkkkkkkkk**

Are you in your room?

**yah i dont have any classes today dont worry**

**look**

**do u know any nicos?**

**who go here?**

Nico Frouzhen and Nico Palmer, right?

**any others?**

No, I don’t think so

Why?

**nico frouzhen doesnt have a phone**

**i txted trix today abt it**

**he doesnt**

**and nico palmer is constantly stoned n ends every other message with “lolz my dood”**

What tf does this have to do with anything?

**the guy whos been texting me**

**“nico”**

**IK U KNOW THIS ALREADY BC U ARE A BAD FRIEND AND ARE CONSPIRING AGAINST ME BUT IM A LITTLE SLOW ALRIGHT:**

*All right

**WHATEVER:**

**his name isnt actually nico**

**even tho he said it was**

**so i need to know**

**WHO IS HE?????**

 

{10:03 a.m.}

Basilton Grimm-Pitch

I’m going to eat your guts with a Spork

_ Give me a second and then you can eat whatever you want. _

 

{10:05 a.m.}

_ Do you know who Penelope Bunce is? _

**_nah_ **

_ I need you to pretend you do. _

_ I need you to change my contact name to “Penny”. _

_ Then we’re going to have a conversation that goes like this: _

_ You: so ur simons new gfriend, ur all over his instagram!! got ur number off trix walton; she used to go 2 my hi school. has si cheated on u yet? _

_ Me: I’m not his girlfriend. Are you the Agatha that ruined Simon’s life? _

_ You: scuze me?? _

_ Me: Just so you know, he’s got /real/ friends now. Me, and Trixie Walton. He’s even got a nemesis that’s not going to force him into uncomfortable sexual situations. Baz Grimm-Pitch. _

_ Once we’ve had this conversation, I need you to screenshot it. _

_ And send it to me. _

_ And don’t tell Simon anything, anymore. _

**_u r fucking weird_ **

**_wtf is going on w simon_ **

_ Agatha. _

_ Do this. _

_ For Simon. _

 

{10:17 a.m.}

**_so ur simons new gfriend, ur all over his instagram!! got ur number off trix walton; she used to go 2 my hi school. has si cheated on u yet?_ **

_ I’m not his girlfriend. Are you the Agatha that ruined Simon’s life? _

**_scuze me??_ **

_ Just so you know, he’s got /real/ friends now. Me, and Trixie Walton. He’s even got a nemesis that’s not going to force him into uncomfortable sexual situations. Baz Grimm-Pitch. _

 

{10:20 a.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (217)-608-2455 HAS SENT A SCREENSHOT

 

{10:21 a.m.}

_ No, you never told me Baz’s last name. _

**then how tf…???????????**

_ When I told Agatha my name was Baz, she sent me this screenshot. _

 

{10:23 a.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-978-6060 HAS SENT A SCREENSHOT

 

{10:24 a.m.}

_ I guess she had already been in contact with Penny. _

_ Looks like Penny stood up for you, too. _

 

{10:26 a.m.}

_ crisis fucking AVERTED _

NO FUCKING WAY HOW DID YOU DO IT

he still doesn’t know who you are????

_ Not as of now.... _

If I ever start a business, I want you as PR

 

{10:29 a.m.}

**wow**

**wow**

**i thought--**

**no**

**nvm**

**thats a stupid n insane idea, ur much too nice**

**wow tho**

**dude**

**if baz knew abt this**

**omg**

**aha**

**hed die**

**posin as my boyfriend**

**standing UP FOR ME**

**poor guyd have a heart attack**

 

{10:36 a.m.}

He’s no one you’d know, Simon

**:( :( :( :( :( :(**

**somehow i dont trust u anymore tho**

 

{10:37 a.m.}

**penny says ur no one id know**

**she ws prompted to say this cuz i already figured out all by myself w my hecking epic detective work that u arent either of the nicos**

**which means nico is a fake name**

**which means**

**im right back where i started**

 

{11:00 a.m.}

**wtf baz has been gone for like 34564595685706 hours**

**so sad**

_ Why is that sad? You hate the man. _

***boi**

**hes a man in smokin hot appearance only**

**he has the maturity of a 5 yr old**

**i cant tease him**

**i wonder if hes havin marathon sex w his girl**

**gentlemen of the jury, bear w me**

**are u aware that were makin**

**LOOOOOOVEEEEEEEE**

**omfg that was so good JUST GIVE ME A TONI ALREADY**

**or is it an osker**

**or a grammee**

**idk fam**

**i blocked agatha**

**r u proud of me**

_ Not at all. _

**< 3 its like nothing changed**

 

{11:38 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

**except lets b real**

**everythings changed**

**and im not even sure why**


	17. baz turd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love this fandom. Honestly, guys. <3
> 
> Also, I love Penny and Simon's dynamic.

{9:46 p.m.}

**pen u know that feeling when uv been txting a stranger for like four weeks n then all of a sudden ur exgirlfriend txts u and u have a minor breakdwhn and then another one tryn to figure out WHO TF ur stranger friend/lover is n then they have a very nice explination which covers al thu bases (haha bases) and u shld be sstaified *satisfied but things just dont feel the same anymore?**

 

{10:01 p.m.}

Simon, go to bed 

 

{10:11 p.m.}

**I NEED NEW FRIENDS**

**EVERYONE IS CONSPIRING**

**EVERYONE KNOWS WHO NICO RLLY IS**

**EXCEPT ME**

?Everyone? 

Last time I checked, I was the only one who knew who Nico really is 

**NICO**

**NICO KNOWS WHO NICO RLLY IS**

**I LOVE HIM PEN AND HES LIKE A LOCK WITHOUT A KEY**

**fuck how poetic of me**

Simon 

You need to let. this. go. 

Most likely, he’s some bored asshole, texting you for kicks and sharing all your stupid puns with his equally asshole-ish group of drunken friends 

 

{10:23 p.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

**i have never been punched in the stomahc but i iagine this is whta it fels like**

 

{10:25 p.m.}

_Do you think it’s safe to come back tomorrow? To the room?_

I don’t know, Baz, I’m not texting him rn 

_You said you were, earlier?_

I stopped, okay?? 

Look 

I may have fucked up. A bit 

I presented him with the usual reality this situation would entail 

I don’t think he took it very well 

_Fuck._

My thoughts exactly 

 

{10:29 p.m.}

_Twenty questions: what are you listening to?_

**rage aganst the machine**

**the song is called bombtrack but i renamed it buncetrack**

**thats pennys last name**

**nico**

**(or whoever tf you ACTUALLY ARE)**

**r u a bored asshole texting me for kicks and sharing all my stupid puns with ur equally assholeish group of drunken friends?**

 

{10:35 p.m.}

_Penelope. Bunce._

...I’M SORRY 

THIS IS WHY I NEED YOU FOR PR 

 

{10:38 p.m.}

_That’s not the description normally bestowed upon me, no._

**but it could b**

**for all i know**

**what do i know?**

**NOTHING**

**penny wont tell**

**u wont tell**

**no one will tell**

**WHAT IF I WANNA MEET YOU?**

**and**

**and**

**and**

**what if i want to hold ur hand?**

 

{10:55 p.m.}

**…**

**im sorry**

 

{10:59 p.m.}

_It’s okay._

_I would--_

_Simon, I would tell you._

_If I could._

**y cant u**

_I can’t tell you that, either._

**ull be the death of me**

_So I’ve been told._

 

{11:11 p.m.}

**im just frustrated nico**

**“nico”**

**i feel like i cant trust anyone anymore**

**n i thought i could trust u**

**but then penny reminded me that tetxing wrong numbers for extended periods of time and telling the ppl LOTS of stuff abt you is nOT GOOD and sTRANGER DANGER and dONT TRUST THE INTERNET**

**i might jst unblock agatha**

_Don’t._

**lol id never i just said that to get u to respond**

_You infuriatingly infuriating individual._

**i get that a lot**

**actyally wait thats the first time thats ever been said to me :))))))**

_Simon._

**yes?**

_I trust you_

_And I’d never read your stupid puns to my drunken asshole friends_

_because then I’d have to admit I find you ridiculously cute._

 

{12:00 a.m.}

_...Simon?_

**nico i need to know who u are**

**im going to go insane**

 

{12:04 a.m.}

_I can’t go back to the room, Bunce._

_Ever._

_How can I pretend like I hate him now?_

_How did I ever do it in the first place?_

More importantly; why the hell do you feel like you have to?

 

{12:09 a.m.}

**also**

**am i cuter than ur cute roommate**

 

{12:11 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

_Oh, Snow._

 

{12:12 a.m.}

_Absolutely not._

**:) ok :) ok :) ok :) thats acceptable, :) baby steps :)**

**god**

**so glad baz isnt here**

**:) u :) called :) me :) cute :)**

 

{12:16 a.m.}

Hey, I’m sorry about earlier 

That’s not true 

Just so you know 

That’s not who he is 

**its ok**

**allright good**

He’s a gentleman. For sure 

**thx pen**

No problem

<3 Hey, go to class tomorrow, k? 

**pshhh class**

**BAZ isnt going to class**

**and baz is a**

**‘BRILLIANT PRODIGY W A PERFECT ATTENDANCE RECORD’**

...He is going to class. He was in Poli Sci yesterday 

**the BASTARD**

**lolololol baz turd**

**ABAAAHHAHAH**

**ok anyway**

**i assumed he was sick and fled to rekooperate w mommy**

Simon 

*Recuperate 

Could you be a little more insensitive? 

His mother’s dead 

**oh**

**im sorry**

**okay**

**that was rude of me**

**but how do YOU know?**

We sit next to each other in Business Tech 

We’re friends 

**thats a course wtf**

**and FRIENDS??????**

**u dont have friends**

**BAZ DOESNT HAVE FRIENDS**

I have plenty of friends! 

Try being mature about this for once. 

Just because YOU think he’s God’s worst gift to mankind-- 

**im an atheist**

ITS AN EXPRESSION 

**its not even the right expression but**

**ok yah**

**but still**

**pen u cant be friends w my nemesis**

**thats against the ruuuullleeeeesssss**

 

{1:19 a.m.}

**it feels wrong to call u nico now**

**where did u get that name from anyway**

_My uncle, Nicodemus._

_He passed away._

**:( awwwww**

_It’s okay. It was a long time ago._

_What are you going to call me, then?_

**bABE**

_No._

_Expressly forbidden._

**excuse me**

**/i/ wood be honored t b called babe**

**im ashameddddd of u**

**and u call urself my boifriend :(**

**JK ILY MY ANONYMOUS BOIFRIEND BABE**

**< 3 <3 <3 **

**ur a babe**

**like it or not**

**MY babe**

**i belong to u**

**u belong to meeeeee**

**da da da**

**oHHohhhHH**

**o wait shit its “with” isnt it**

**idek**

**HO**

**HEY**

**hO**

**aw dont cry ur not a hoe <3**

 

{2:00 a.m.}

_How has no one killed him yet?_

I don't know

I think we need a Simon Protection Fund

With those little Salvation Army bells

And a big sign

"Save Simon From Corruption"

You can be president

And for every person that donates, you give Simon a 

big 

fat 

...

kiss ;)

_..._

_Bunce, you're a menace to society._

_I'm trying to sleep._

Sweet dreeeeeeeeams ;) ;)


	18. imma kjeel over and dieeeeeeee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Chester Bennington. I only listened to your music for the first time yesterday, and I'm sorry I didn't before. You were an incredible talent, are loved, and will be missed. Rest in peace.
> 
> Keris is the dorm supervisor in this chapter, and sends one message. She's in lowercase, no effects.

{10:02 a.m.}

GO TO CLASS

**im goingggggggggggggggggggg**

 

{11:56 a.m.} GOOGLE SEARCH HISTORY: CONTENTS

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-766-8149 HAS SEARCHED:  **how to figure out who the hot gay guy you’re texting is**

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-766-8149 HAS SEARCHED:  **who is my anonymous boyfriend**

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-766-8149 HAS SEARCHED:  **i texted a wrong number and now im in love**

 

{1:08 p.m.}

Simon!!! Trix told me you got your phone taken off you during a lecture!!!!

That’s not what I meant when I said go to class!!!!!!

**sorry i was enlisting google**

For what???

**figuring out who “nico” is**

How the fuck--

**turns out “hot gay guy” is a very magical combination of keywords**

 

{7:59 p.m.}

**HHHSGHDGGREHGHGFHGDHGHGREHGTEHGIREUKUJHHFJKHDGHDDGFHGF**

_ Yes? _

**HEAS BACJK**

_ I’m translating that as “he’s back.” _

**HE IS**

_ Baz? _

**yES**

**AND**

**HES**

**NICO**

**HES WEEFHB SUIWRAIW**

_ Is he now? _

**HES RWEARING A RAINBIW PIN**

**A RQIANBOW PIN***

**A RAINBOW PIN*********

**HES WEARING A RAINBOW PIN**

**i just asksed him abt it n he said “im gay snow whats ur problem”**

**…**

**………**

**……………**

**………………….**

**IM COMING OUT TO HIM ONE SEC IM RECORDING ALL OF THIS**

 

{8:20 p.m.} 

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-766-8149 HAS SENT AN AUDIO FILE

 

{8:22 p.m.}

**mmm im such a stalker**

 

{8:23 p.m.} AUDIO FILE CONTENTS

**“...Baz?”**

SOUND OF LAPTOP CLOSING SHARPLY

_ “What?” _

**“I, um--on your shirt? Did you, um, are you aware--”**

_ “Am I aware that I’m wearing a rainbow pin on my lapel, a symbol usually designated for those in support of the LGBTQ community? Somehow that was brought to my attention.” _

SOUND OF INDRAWN BREATH

**“Are--”**

_ “I’m gay, Snow. What’s your problem?” _

SOUND OF FURIOUS THUMB-TYPING

SOUND OF INDRAWN BREATH

SOUND OF INDRAWN BREATH

**“I thought you were homophobic.”**

_ “How dense are you?” _

**“Well, I mean, you’ve never exactly--** **_advertised it--”_ **

_ “My God, Snow, can you stop with this psychoanalyzing?” _

**“I just--”**

**“I’m pan.”**

**“You know. Pansexual.** ”

SOUND OF SNORT

_ “I’m aware.” _

**“You’re aware I’m pan?!”**

_ “I’m aware that ‘pan’ is short for ‘pansexual’.” _

**“Oh. Okay.”**

SOUND OF LAPTOP BEING REOPENED

_ “Is that all?” _

**“...Do you have a boyfriend?”**

SOUND OF FIST CONNECTING WITH FACE

 

{9:11 p.m.}

_ Did he punch you? _

**he did**

**lightly**

**a love tap**

**im delirious with excitement nico imma kjeel over and dieeeeeeee**

**hes gayyyyyyyyy**

**GAY GAY GAY**

**LETS HAVE A COMING OUT PARTY**

**GAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY**

**we can bond**

**we can share boyfriend stories**

**we can reminiiise over heartaches and heartbreaks**

**we can wear gayass clothing together**

**he can borrow my babe shirt**

**i can borrow his rainbow pin**

**i can teach him abt painting nails**

**we cn have sleepovers and giggle**

_ I’d like to remind you that he punched you. _

_ Justifiably. _

_ You sounded as if you were hitting on him. _

**…**

**r u jealous**

_ GOOD GOD, SIMON. _

_ THAT’S NOT THE POINT. _

 

{4:02 a.m.}

**LOVE IS LOVE IS LOVE IS LOVE**

**GAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY**

**EVERYONE DESERVES LOVE**

**LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE**

**DONT BE AFRAID TO COME OUT**

**THE REAL WRLD IS BETTER THAN THE CLOSET**

**EMBRACE YOURSELF**

**JHAVE COURAGE**

**GAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY**

WHAT THE FUCK SIMON ITS FOUR A.M.

**OOPS MY BAD IM HAVING A BAZ-CAME-OUT PARTY**

...Baz came out?

Also, how does he feel about your party?

**YAH HE CAME OUT**

**TO MY FACE**

**WITH A RAINBOW PIN**

**his fist also came out**

**to my face**

**but thats unimportant it was heat of the moment**

**HE LOOOOOOOOVVVVVEEESSSSS MY PARTY**

**IM PLAYING LINKIN PARKKKKKK**

**NUMBBBBBBBBBBB**

 

{4:18 a.m.}

You all good over there?

_ He’s grinding on his bed. _

_ The dorm super’s going to come in soon. _

_ What do I say? _

Shout “GAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY” and do a line kick with Si

_ Goodnight, Bunce. _

 

{4:26 a.m.}

A MESSAGE HAS BEEN ISSUED TO ALL MEMBERS OF THE “EASTSIDE DORMS” MESSAGING LIST

 

{4:27 a.m.} MESSAGE CONTENTS

Hi, everyone!! This is Keris, supervisor of Eastside Dorms, and boy, am I excited to issue the following bulletin!!! It is 4:30 a.m., and someone is playing Linkin Park at top volume!!!! I love Linkin Park BUT IT IS FUCKING 4:30 A.M.!!!!!!!!!!!!! When I find you, you’re going to die a brutal and gut-wrenching death!!!!!

 

{4:30 a.m.} 

**nico im so excited help me**

_ Why are you still awake _

**why are uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu**

_ Some idiot is playing their music top volume at four fucking thirty in the morning. _

_ And I can only assume it’s you. _

**EVERY TIME IM REMINDED THAT U IVE IN MY DORMS I START CRYING**

**< 3 LOVE IS LOVE AND I LOVE YOU**


	19. way of the gay (or: a little homosexual attraction)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for EXCESSIVE use of the F-word by a Simon running on one hour of sleep. It made even me a little uncomfortable to write, so if it'll do the same to you, feel free to skip the first text exchange and start at 11:23 a.m., where Simon says "i had a brilaitn idea"

{7:08 a.m.}

_RISE AND SHINE, SLEEPYHEAD!!!!!_

_IT’S TIME FOR LITTLE BOYS TO AWAKEN AND SALUTE THE SUN!!!!!!!_

_ISN’T IT SO BEAUTIFUL AND BRIGHT OUTSIDE???_

_TIME TO BE AWAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

**fuck the fuck out of my fucking life**

**fuck you**

**I GOT fucking 1 FUCKING HR OF FUCKING SLEEP**

**fuck u do u fucking care abt fucking pride i was fucking having a fucking COMING OUT PARTY FOR MY FUCKING ROOMMATE**

**FUCK**

_Would that be your fucking /roommate/ or your /fucking/ roommate?_

**FUCK THE FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFF**

 

{11:23 a.m.}

**i had a brilaitn idea**

_A--excuse me?_

**A BRILLIANT IDEA HRBEEWEFJN**

**the message list tht keris has**

**ur on it**

**cuz, dorms**

**so ill just send her ur number and b like whos this**

**;)**

 

{11:27 a.m.}

_Simon._

_You don’t want to do this._

**yah iu do i ITOLD YUOU i wantta know who u r**

**ur in my blood**

_I just choked._

**n smiled**

_….No, Simon._

 

{11:33 a.m.}

_Just...think about it. Before you do that._

_Really._

**y are u like a mass murdeer or smthing**

**omg what if ur nev**

**or diall**

_…_

_Dev._

_And Niall._

**yAH THOSE LIKE WEIRDASS STONERS IN THE DORM BASEMENT WHO R OBSESSED WITH LEGO AND UNDERTALE**

**god if ur a weirdoass stoner…..**

**CUTE**

**not tht i endorse drug use but like**

**WHOEVER U SARE YOUR CUTE**

_*You’re._

_You seem so utterly confident about that. How naive of you. As always._

**ur such a friendly sweet pretentious asshole**

_Thanks._

**np i do wht i can**

 

{11:45 a.m.}

_Bunce, it might be all over._

Oh shit

_He’s contacting our dorm supervisor right now._

Do you know what this is?

It’s the world’s smallest violin

_You sound more like Simon ever fucking day._

 

{12:03 p.m.}

**hey keris i ws wondering who the contct (204)-978-6060 on the mssage lsit is?**

Sorry Simon I’m not sure. In January I did a whole collection of new numbers for the list and a bunch of people were gone so I nicked numbers off another list. They got all mixed up when I was transferring and so I can’t remember whose number that actually is.

I’d have to scroll back forEVER to get to the list I grabbed it off of.

**UR FJRBFIYGRH KIDDING ME**

 

{12:06 p.m.}

**did u like bribe her?????????**

_What did she say?_

 

{12:07 p.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-766-8149 HAS SENT A SCREENSHOT

 

{12:08 p.m.}

_No bribes. She just literally doesn’t know._

**IM CRYYYYYINGGGG**

**THE UNIVERSE IS SET AGAINST ME KNOWING WHO U ARRRRREE**

 

{12:20 p.m.}

**baz is back :) :) :) :) he :) just went to get coffee :) but didn’t :) bring me any :) thats okay :) he may still be harboring a grudge for my :) linkin park 4 am extravaganza :) :) which was dope :) :) :) :)**

_This is the man who left shaving cream out and allowed you to wedge it between your buttocks._

**AHA THAT SENTENCE WTF**

**n its okay love ik ur just jealous <3 <3**

**im just seeing him in such a different light**

**since hes gaeyt**

**gay***

**which u wr right abt btw but we not gonna talk abt that………..**

**ik i prolly shouldnt be dismissing the sins of his past al because of a little HOMOSEXUAL ATTRACTION**

**buyt like #noregrets WERE BROS NOW AND IMMA TEACH HIM:**

**THE WAY OF THE GAY**

 

{12:43 p.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-766-8149 HAS SENT AN AUDIO FILE

 

{12:44 p.m.} AUDIO FILE CONTENTS

**“Did you bring me coffee?”**

_“Fuck off.”_

**“We’re friends now. You can’t tell me to fuck off.”**

_“Friends? Pray tell, Snow, when did this exciting development come about?”_

**“It didn’t come about…”**

**“...it came OUT.”**

SOUND OF LAUGHTER

SOUND OF HASTY THROAT-CLEARING

**“Seriously. Us homosexuals have got to stick together.”**

_“...You’re not even homosexual.”_

_“And I find it incredibly disturbing that all I had to do was come out to you and now you’re acting like we’re the best of friends.”_

**“I’ll even let you wear my babe shirt.”**

_“I’d quite like to vomit right now, thinking about that.”_

**“Let me teach you the Way of the Gay, Baz.”**

_“Let me teach you the Way of a Right Hook, Snow.”_

SOUND OF FIST CONNECTING WITH WALL

_“OW! WHAT THE FUCK?! FUCK YOU!”_

**“Baz, I’ve realized that this is an Unhealthy Relationship. I need to start ducking your verbal and physical abuse. I need to reach out to you and own up to my mistakes.”**

**“I’m sorry I’ve been cruel and cold to you.”**

**“But you should be sorry, too.”**

_“For what?”_

**“Verbally and physically abusing me. Getting shaving cream in my asscrack. I could go on.”**

SOUND OF WHAT POSSIBLY COULD BE A VERBAL ATTEMPT AT BACKGROUND MUSIC FROM “YOUR OBEDIENT SERVANT”

**“Here’s an itemized list of thirty years of disagreements.”**

_“Snow.”_

**“Baz.”**

_“Why are you doing this?”_

**“Because us homo- and pansexuals have got to stick together.”**

_“No. Why are you doing this?”_

SOUND OF LONG EXHALE

**“Because I’m tired of fighting like preschoolers. And I’m not even sure why we started.”**

 

{3:21 p.m.}

_Dear God._

_Did he agree?_

**we made a truce**

**it dsnt involve babe shirts or coffee or way of the gay but it involves no more shaving cream n no more constant punching**

**his hands ok by the way but like IS IT WRONG THAT I STILL FEEL A THRILL OF SAVAGE GLEE**

_I thought you weren't fighting anymore._

**ok yah its wrong**

**BUT BUT BUT LIKE IM SO CONFUSED HOW DID THAT WORK**

**im honestly like not even suyr what juyst hppned to me**

**i need to turn on some appropriately horrible music to find closure**

**we didnt makew a truce on that**

 

{3:29 p.m.}

**penny**

**i had one of those thoughts which hits u at 47487585675674863 miles per hr and ur just left reeling and dead**

It’s like you expect me to relate

But let’s hear it

**ik this sounds crazy**

**but like**

**i started thinking n like**

**shit idk if i can say this**

**like**

**penny**

**i**

**um**

**so many coincidences n people n**

**like**

Omfg, Simon, just spit it out!!!

**um**

**um**

**what if**

**um**

**i was thinking**

**IK THIS IS CRAZY**

**LIKE I LAUGHED AT MYSELF SO HARD**

**IKIKIK ITS NUTS**

**but i um**

**what if**

**penny**

**what if nico is baz?**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to all you lovely people who have left a comment, kudos, or even just stopped by to read. You bring a smile to my face every time my inbox lights up or my hits increase. Thank you for sticking with me through this mess of an emotional textfic.


	20. no stone unturned, no baz unnamed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well.
> 
> I couldn't think of a way to get Baz out of any more sticky situations. So here you are. Warnings for Baz being sweet.
> 
> For all those of you who left such lovely comments over the past few days--I've been crazy busy, and have not yet gotten around to replying. That's up next after I post this. Thank you all, so much. :)

{3:48 p.m.}

Simon…

**ik ik ik**

**i just**

**i started thinking abt it**

**like first s a joke**

**“hahahaha what if hes baz”**

**then like**

**“o shit”**

**“what if hes baz”**

**cuz like**

**idk pen**

**ive been an ass**

**to him**

**abt baz**

**who /is/ an ass**

**but like, i exaggerated my hatred n assitude**

**n like if he is baz**

**hes gonna HATE ME**

**SO MUCH**

**the things ive said**

**fuck**

**fuck**

**ik hes not**

**but like**

**talk about nightmares**

**…**

**penny just tell me hes not baz**

**so i dont have any more nightmares**

**...**

**;) so i have wet dreams instead ;)**

….

FUCK SIMON I’M NOT TELLING YOU ANYTHING AFTER THAT

**sry sry couldnt resist**

 

{7:42 p.m.}

**nico?**

**can**

**u**

**um**

**are u**

**are u here?**

_ I’m here. _

**i um**

**ik ive said this but**

**i rlly**

**i cant**

**i**

**i need to know**

**who u are**

_ Simon… _

**nico**

**just**

**tell me wth a straight face that ur not baz**

 

{7:52 p.m.}

_ i just dont want him to hate me bunce i want it to be like this always and i dont know how to make it not weird if he knows and thats the only thing holding me back and hes hated on me so much and i just how will he even stand to look at me god im so glad im not in the room rn, i dont want to see his face, id probably fucking CRY _

 

{7:58 p.m.}

_ I can’t tell you that. _

 

{8:00 p.m.}

_ TEXT. ME. BACK. _

SORRY SORRY SORRY I WAS DOING POLI SCI HOMEWORK

did you do it

did you tell him

_ As good as. _

_ He’d have to be SO stupid, not to get it. _

_ Penny, I’m scared. _

I know, Baz

I know.

 

{8:07 p.m.}

**im sorry**

_ Why are /you/ sorry? _

_ I flat-out lied to you. _

**im sorry bc ive been an ass abt baz**

**um**

**abt YOU**

_ It’s not like I haven’t been one about you. _

**i just**

**ive said crap**

**that i dont mean**

**abt him**

**you**

**dammit**

**i um**

**i dont hate you**

**really**

_ No more frantic declarations of love for you, Snow? _

_ All I get is an “I don’t hate you”? _

**oh its snow now**

**oh**

**ok**

_ Look, I don’t know what to do. _

_ I don’t have the answers. _

_ This-- _

_ This happened, you know. _

_ Really fast. _

_ And I don’t know what kind of code or rulebook or-- _

_ I guess this doesn’t /have/ a code or rulebook. _

_ I’m just making it up as I go along. _

**…**

**damn ur still cute :)**

_...and you’re still helplessly annoying. _

**and ur stil--WAITITIWAIT**

**OH MY GOD**

**NCO**

***BAZ BAZ BAZ BAZ BAZ goddamit sorry thisll take me a while to get**

**u said ur roommate was cute**

**u said u had a supercute roommate**

**omg**

**i didnt even**

**i didnt even think**

**i**

**omg**

**smiling**

**omg**

**wtf**

**wtf**

**ah**

**AH**

**SMILES**

**IM DYING I /AM/ AS CUTE AS UR ROOMMATE**

**I AM /UR ROOMMATE/**

**oh shitdamn i challenged myself 2 a fight didnt i n called myself despicabvle**

**nice simon**

***high fives self***

**abt on par w your usual standards**

_ I like your usual standards. _

_ Just a little bit**** _

**:)**

**:)**

**god i dont even**

**i**

**i feel so**

**shy**

**n not simonlike**

**i said so much**

**i like poured out my soul to u**

_ So did I. _

_ Being anonymous made me reckless, I suppose. _

**little did u know id use my dope detective skills to solve the mystery**

**i leave no stone unturned**

**no baz unnamed**

 

{10:53 p.m.}

**hey**

**btw**

**i like our truce**

**i like**

**um**

**yeah**

**idk**

**i just**

**im happy**

**thats all**

_ Oh. _

_ I-- _

_ oh _

_ :) _

_ Me too. _


	21. shut up and spell right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realized I missed the opportunity for a fantastic I'm-not-straight joke last chapter, so I compensated. Apologies, but, like, not really.

{11:00 p.m.}

**so where ru**

_ At my aunt’s. _

**hiding????**

_ No. _

_ Not really. _

**ru scared to come back to the room bazzy boo**

_...Snow… _

_ Don’t… _

**dont bc throwing up or bc smiling**

_ THROWING UP. _

_ I’m not scared. _

_ I’m just. _

_ Scared. _

***nods understandingly***

**a fine distcinction**

_ Shut up and spell right. _

**i refuse**

**come back**

**i want**

**i want to see u?**

_ Question mark? _

**question mark**

**if u wanna see me**

_ I never want to see your ugly face, Snow. _

**:) <3**

_ No. _

_ I really want to see your face, Snow. _

_ Right the fuck now. _

_ … _

_ But I can’t. _

**call?**

**wld that be easier?**

_ Like. _

_ A phone call? _

**thats normaly what 2 people do when sepereted by dstance and tired of txting**

_ Or they just...stop texting. _

 

{11:54 p.m.}

_ Snow? _

**OH DID U WANNA KEEP TEXTING**

**I THOUGHT U WR MAD**

**im sorry idk how to**

**i**

**sorry**

_ Don’t be. _

_ I was joking. _

_ I. _

_ I want to keep texting.  _

_ Actually, I want to call. _

**um oh wow um okay okay should i do it or u or like**

_I’ll do it._ _Hang on._

 

{12:01 a.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204-978-6060) HAS REQUESTED TO AUDIO CALL

 

{12:02 a.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-766-8149 HAS ACCEPTED THE AUDIO CALL

 

{12:03 a.m.} AUDIO CALL CONTENTS

**“Um. Hello?”**

_ “Hello.” _

**“Oh my God. Um. It’s Simon.”**

_ “I’m aware.” _

**“Oh, wow, oh, God, that was so stupid, I, um--”**

_ “Hey. Snow.” _

**“...Yeah?”**

_ “You’re okay.” _

**“Oh.”**

_ “Really.” _

**“You--wow. You sound different over the phone.”**

_ “Most people do. What’s the nature of my different-ness?” _

**“Less aggressive.”**

_ “Do I always sound aggressive?” _

**“Sometimes bored.”**

_ “I’m sorry.” _

**“Baz doesn’t apologize!”**

_ “You’ve built up quite the image of me, Snow. Bored, aggressive, and refusing to apologize. I sound like a real charmer.” _

**“You...you charmed me.”**

_ “...” _

_ “Anonymously.” _

**“I don’t know. Reading back over those texts, there was an awful lot about ‘Baz and his girlfriend’ and ‘Baz’s fantastic attractiveness.’”**

_ “You were being subconsciously charmed. Like a vampire.” _

**“Is that what vampires do? Subconsciously charm?”**

_ “I don’t know, and I don’t give a fuck, either. Let’s not talk about vampires. Let’s talk about what it’s going to take for me to come back to that room and look you in the eye.” _

**“I think you just swooned me.”**

_ “You can’t actually use ‘swooned’ like that.” _

**“Shut up.”**

_ “Hey. Truce.” _

**“Truce only protects against you telling** **_me_ ** **to shut up.”**

_ “Shut up. Really, though, what is it going to take?” _

**“Are you trying, like, to get me to bribe you?”**

**“...”**

**“...I have kisses.”**

 

{12:30 a.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-978-6060 HAS HUNG UP

 

{12:31 a.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-766-8149 HAS REQUESTED TO AUDIO CALL

 

{12:32 a.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-978-6060 HAS ACCEPTED THE AUDIO CALL

 

{12:33 a.m.} AUDIO CALL CONTENTS

**“Sorry.”**

_ “No--I--just--” _

_ “What if you see me and you remember how you really feel about me?” _

**“How** **_do_ ** **I ‘really feel about you?’”**

_ “Snow, you hated me for--” _

**“I thought you hated me.”**

_ “I was essentially in love with you the whole fucking time, you idiot.” _

**“Oh.”**

**“...”**

**_“Oh.”_ **

_ “What? Oh, God, are you smiling?” _

**“NO.”**

_ “You owe me five dollars.” _

**“Why did you act like you hated me?”**

_ “It was the easiest thing to do.” _

**“What the fuck? What planet are you from?”**

_ “You sound like Bunce.” _

**“...I forgot about Penny.”**

**“I can’t believe she knew and didn’t tell me.”**

_ “Don’t blame her. I’m an intimidating man.” _

**“Say that again with a straight face.”**

_ “I can’t.” _

_ “I’m gay.” _

**“GOD, BAZ.”**

**“STRAIGHT JOKES ARE OFF-LIMITS.”**

SOUND OF LAUGHTER

**“Are you laughing at your own joke? Are you one of those people?”**

_ “Simon, this is you talking.” _

**“...”**

_ “What? Your breathing sounds...gleeful.” _

**“You called me Simon.”**

_ “No, I didn’t.” _

**“Yes, you did.”**

_ “No, I didn’t.” _

**“Yes, you did.”**

_ “The only reason I’m stopping is that I have the utmost faith that you’d go all night.” _

**“I’m smiling right now.”**

_ “I can hear it. Five dollars.” _

**“Oh, come on. You never bet me that.”**

_ “I’ll bet you now.” _

**“Stop. I’m smiling.”**

_ “...” _

_ “I want to see it.” _

**“Come home, Baz.”**

_ “Will you be up? By the time I get back?” _

**“Yeah. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”**

_ “I don’t know.” _

_ “I’ll see you soon.” _

 

{1:13 a.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-978-6060 HAS HUNG UP

 

{1:14 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

**cant wait :)**

 

{1:15 a.m.}

**see u soon**


	22. child development strategies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's just. So much fluff. Like. I don't know what happened. I'm sorry. I just. I love them. I. Ah.
> 
> *waits in fear for followers to leave because of the irl scene*

He ends up calling Bunce on his way back to the dorms, praying she’s still up. He’s got Ella Fitzgerald in one earbud and a brisk efficiency to carry him past the city drunks, but it’s not enough to drown the sound of his own heartbeat, double-time.

“Are you awake?”

“I answered, didn’t I?”

She sounds unbearably sleepy, and it makes him want to sit down right where he is--halfway between the Jiffy Mart and the McDonalds--and close his eyes. At least then he wouldn’t have to face Simon. He still doesn’t trust that things will work out between them. It all seems like a fantastically out-of-proportion dream.

“I’m going,” he says, after a minute, when Bunce offers no assistance. “Back to the room.”

“And he knows?” She sounds more alert. “And you’ve been talking?”

“Yes.”

He reaches the gate to the dorm yard; shows his key to the scanner; hurries in that sort of dream-state across the path to the back door of the dorms. He’s memorized: nineteen doors to walk by until theirs. 

“Are you almost there?”

“Almost.”

“Are you nervous?”

“No.”

“Liar.”

“I’m not a liar,” he says, and his useless voice breaks on  _ liar. _ He was stupid to call Bunce. Stupid to do this at all. He should have stayed at Fiona’s because Simon’s going to close the door in his face, reject him, remember who he  _ is-- _

“Basilton.”

He stops walking, leans against the tiled wall by the showers. Attempts to breathe.

“Hang up on me and  _ get your boy,”  _ Bunce says, exasperated.

He hangs up. Before he knows it he’s walking, doors scrolling, legs numb, Ella resumed a notch two loud in his left earbud: seventeen, eighteen, nineteen. Then he’s in front of theirs. He holds the insides of his pockets and stares at the scar above the doorknob, where Simon threw his key at Baz and missed.

_ It looks as if we two will never be one _

_ Something must be done  _

He actually says, “Shut up,” out loud, scrambling for the pause button on his phone. It’s a terrible song for the occasion, and he’s deeply disappointed in Ella. He’s lingering on the title-- _ Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off _ \--when his eyes are drawn to the notifications banner. One text from Simon.

**im nervus to now**

Baz texts back,  _ Shut up and spell right. _

An immediate ping.  **whr r u**

_ Close. _

Before he can lose his nerve, he loops his earbuds around his neck. Stuffs his phone back in his pocket. His hands are shaking, but he manages to get his key scratchy in the lock and then put his shoulder against the door to wedge it open. He doesn’t look up. He won’t look up. He removes his key and closes the door.

Somewhere beyond the half-circle of floor in his vision, Simon says, “You look cold.”

He’s sitting on the ledge between the desk and the window, knees curled up to his chest, and his curls are such a lovely tawny mess and the line of his jaw so soft and shadowed that Baz almost gives up right there--sinks to his knees and puts his head down and dies of exposure to the masterpiece that’s Simon Snow.

Instead, he manages a smirk. He’s sure it’s horrible. He’s sure  _ he’s _ horrible, too, lost as he is in Fiona’s old leather jacket and a pair of Nicodemus’s slender jeans. He has his earbuds around his neck, like an utter tool.

“Snow,” he says. “Hello to you, too.”

Baz is glad that Simon is the one who gets down from the windowsill and moves cautiously to face him, because he’s not sure if he could move. Now they’re eye-to-eye (except Baz is looking down, just a bit, as always, an inch or two that he rubs  _ relentlessly  _ in Simon’s face), and Baz can pick out every mole on Simon’s profile: brow to chin.

“You called me Simon, before.”

“No, I didn’t,” Baz says, feigning nonchalance. 

“When you were Nico.”

Simon is very wide-eyed. It’s making Baz sweat.

“I still am Nico,” he says. “I mean, sort of. I’m Baz.”

“I know,” Simon says. 

“And I had to call Bunce because I was going to pass out on the walk.”

Simon turns a delicate shade of scarlet, so that his moles look like chocolate chips. Baz wants to lean forward and kiss them, one by one. He wants to lick the scarlet from every inch of Simon’s flustered skin.

“I’m glad,” Simon says. “That you didn’t.”

“And I stood outside the door, for a while.”

“First date jitters?”

Baz shifts to the right, ruffled, and finds the mirror over Simon’s left shoulder, on the wall. He arches an eyebrow and is moderately pleased with the result. “Not with you, Snow.”

“Simon.”

“Snow.”

“Simon.”

Baz can’t keep the eyebrow arched any longer. His smirk is softening into a smile. This maddening curly-haired disaster. This boy who won’t give him a break. “The only reason I’m stopping,” he says, and watches Simon’s face light up, “is that I have the utmost faith that you’d go all night.”

“So, Simon,” Simon says, with this grin that just. It just. It breaks Baz’s everything. It tears down all his walls. “Right?”

“You owe me five dollars.”

“You, too.”

Baz checks in the mirror. He tries to physically flatten his smile into an expression of scorn.

“That’s useless,” Simon says, and then, because he’s Simon: “Your fangs are too long.”

“Are we going to talk about me being a vampire again?”

“I suspected, the whole year. No one ever believed me.”

“Not even Bunce?”

“She was a little more concerned with the fact that every other word coming out of my mouth this year was  _ Baz.” _

There’s a moment during which Simon grins obnoxiously and Baz yanks the earbuds from around his neck and pulls them into a long corded tangle to attempt and distract himself from what’s going on throughout the circuits of his body.

“Five dollars,” Simon says, watching with amusement, “ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty-five--”

Baz drops the earbuds and puts his hand out, up like a stop sign, except instead of stopping the verbal track of humiliation Simon just reaches out and takes Baz’s hand, like it’s that easy. It’s very casual and nothing at all like he described to Nico. His palm’s sweaty and he holds too tight and there’s a callus under his thumb that feels like a hug.

“You owe me a shitload of money,” Simon informs Baz. “Just so you’re aware.”

Baz says, “Vampires don’t have to pay their dues. Haven’t you learned anything in Toddler Handling Class?”

“That’s not what it’s called.”

“Child Development?”

“Strategies.”

“Child Development Strategies?”

“Yes.”

“How incredibly arbitrary. Right. So all children--even vampires--go through this stage where they reject everything. Just for the sake of saying no.”

Simon says, “Why are you teaching me child development stages? What the fuck does this have to do with the amount of money you owe me?”

Baz blushes, then tries to swipe his blush away with his free hand because he’s Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch and he doesn’t blush. “Maybe I’m trying to empathize with you and your pitiful career choices.”

“Excuse me? I’m going to be a  _ teacher.  _ That’s honest work. Better than wh--what the hell  _ are  _ you majoring in, anyway?”

“Economics.”

Simon blinks, then pretends to retch all over their entangled hands.

“Do that again,” Baz says, “and I’ll let go.”

Simon’s fingers tense around his. “What do I have to do to make you never let go?”

“I’m going to have to sleep, Snow.”

And then there’s this little thrill, because  _ oh,  _ they’re going to have to sleep. And they’ll just...what? Each take a bed? Face the wall like nothing’s happened? Cuddle up like lovers? Don’t lie down at all?

“Here,” Simon says, suddenly bashful, and he’s that same lovely shade of red again, Blushing Simon--what was that combination of words Baz told him never to use again?  _ A fucking beautiful speciman.  _ He’s that. He’s all of Baz’s best and most terrible dreams. “Do you--we can--uh. If you don’t, um. Mind. You know.”

And he tugs on Baz’s hand, gently. 

“This?” Baz says, looking at the bed. “I--Simon, you don’t--”

_ “There!” _

Baz jumps a little because of the force of Simon’s exclamation, the strength of his fingers tightening spasmodically around Baz’s.  _ “There!”  _ Simon says, pointing right at him. “You called me Simon.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Yes, you-- _ God,  _ I’ll get you, sometime.”

“If you say so,” Baz says, with exactly the right amount of amused and scornful doubt.

“Shhh. I lost my train of thought. As usual. Damn. Baz. What was I saying?”

“The, um--”

It’s like the nonverbal acknowledgement of the bed has glued both their tongues down, solidly. 

Simon reasserts the tugging of Baz’s hand. “The bed,” he says, just like that, and Baz recognizes that he’s blushing, once again. This time he makes no move to try and scrub it away. “Right. Sit down. Are you okay? With this?”

“I want to make sure  _ you  _ are--”

“A side of Baz I’ve never seen before. I’m fine. Sit. Down.”

Baz sits. He’s still holding Simon’s hand. He can’t tell anymore if the sweat between their palms is his or Simon’s.

“Now. Shoes off. Lie down.”

“Snow--”

But he takes off his shoes anyway, laborious and one-handed, and adjusts himself so he’s horizontal. They’re not spooning exactly, maybe because Simon is conscious of Baz’s lazy erection or maybe because he has one of his own, but they’re very close, holding hands over Baz’s hip. Simon’s breath is on the back of Baz’s neck, hot and dry. He smells like bread.

“Don’t let go,” he says, very softly, into Baz’s collarbone.

“Not even if I need to urinate?”

Simon’s snort rocks them both.  _ “Urinate?” _

“Piddle,” Baz says. “Wee-wee.”

“I never asked,” Simon says. “Do you misjudge and pee on the backs of the inconvenient toilets?”

“Never.”

“Come on.”

“Perhaps...once,” Baz admits. 

Simon crows. 

Baz can feel his eyes already closing. He squeezes Simon’s hand, absently. “Don’t act so smug.”

“I learned it from you.”

“Vampires never reveal their secrets.”

“Rawr,” Simon says, and attempts to bite the nape of Baz’s neck.

“Filthy mongrel,” Baz murmurs, halfway past sleep. It must be almost three in the morning by now, and his fingers are going numb in Simon’s grasp. “Shut up and spell right.”

“I have you to spell for me,” Simon says.

“Mmpgh.”

“Are you asleep?”

“Mmm.”

“How can you sleep?”

With great effort, Baz opens one eye. “I’ve been up since seven. Sleep with me, Snow?”

Simon giggles.

“Was that a  _ giggle?” _

“No.”

“Dear God. You’re an idiot.”

“Thank you.”

“No problem.”

Then they don’t say anything for a long time, except for two more hand squeezes--one by Simon, one by Baz. Simon’s breathing slows on the part of Baz’s shoulder that’s exposed under the collar of his jacket, and the little neon clock on the windowsill counts to three-thirty, and then goes unseen.


	23. and you think we're forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many, many apologies for the slowness of this tiny little update! I've been having a rough time the past couple of days and couldn't find the motivation to write until today. 
> 
> If there's no update tomorrow then you won't see one until this Saturday or after. I'll be without a computer Tuesday through Friday.
> 
> Enjoy! :)

He wakes to sunlight in prison-bar stripes, and Simon stirring at his back. Their hands are cramped so tightly together that Baz is losing feeling in his knuckle joints.

“Snow,” he says, very softly; expecting, then, for the dream to dissolve and the hum of activity in the hallway to become the nasal squeal of his alarm.

“Mphgfh,” Simon mutters, and when he moves his head a little Baz can feel a thin trail of drool down the back of his neck. It should not be as endearing as it is.

“Can you get my phone?”

“Where--”

“Back pocket.”

When Simon’s managed to extract the device--not without a fair amount of drowsy giggling and over-cautious pincher fingers to avoid touching Baz’s ass--Baz checks the time. It’s nearly noon, and he’s missed Poli Sci. He can’t bring himself to care.

“Did you skip a class for me?” Simon murmurs into Baz’s shoulder blade.

“I did.”

“You must love me very, very much.”

Baz is not entirely sure what to say to that--there isn’t anything about the depth of how he really feels that wouldn’t freak Simon out--so instead he gently disengages his hand and attempts to stretch a little feeling back into it.

Simon whines. “You let go.”

“How observant,” Baz says, dryly, and then nudges his socked toe into Simon’s calf as an apology.

Simon squirms a little, pleasantly. His breath is hot and when Baz shifts his head he can smell it: burnt sugar and cinnamon, gone slightly stale. Some nights Simon brings back whole armfuls of scones from the dining hall.

“Are you going to get up so I can?” Simon asks Baz.

“I’m thinking about it.”

“Think about it harder.”

Baz sighs in mock outrage. “Aren’t you happy where you are?”

“I’m too warm,” Simon says, and then, because he’s Simon: “You’re too hot.”

“Thank you,” Baz says.

“No problem.”

There’s some inspired wiggling, and then a sharp jab to Baz’s spine. Simon giggles like a four-year-old, and Baz wonders, not for the first time, why the fuck he’s fallen for this crazy boy.

“Get up, Bazzy, get up.”

Baz scoffs at the name. “One night and you think we’re forever.”

“One night and I _know_ we’re forever.” Simon giggles again. Baz wants to punch him. He wants to reach out, knuckle a fist--take him by the back of the neck, kiss the laughter from his mouth. He wants to turn around and slip his shirt off, inch by inch. “Get up.”

Baz says, “Climb the fuck over me; I’m not--”

Then his breath’s cut off because Simon’s clambering over him, as instructed, and Baz didn’t think he’d actually do it but now he’s taking his sweet goddamn time and he can feel every fucking slide of skin and brush of fabric and the side of Simon’s thigh against his hip and now he’s doing it on _purpose,_ the bastard, that slight amused hitch in his breath; he knows _exactly_ what he’s doing to Baz--

“Simon,” Baz snaps, and his voice is an octave higher: two.

“Something wrong?” Simon says. He’s paused straddling Baz’s right hip, the base of his thigh near his knee very close to Baz’s groin.

“You’re an idiot,” Baz tells him. He thinks of butterflies and cats and the Barbies all over his sister’s floor. Anything but the pressure building everywhere.

Simon grins and it’s positively gleeful. “You told me to climb over you. I’m just--”

“I know what you’re doing,” Baz says. Butterflies. Cats. Barbies. He makes a concentrated effort and slides himself higher on the bed, so Simon’s centered over his thighs. That smile. God, he wants-- “Go and get the hell off me.”

“You don’t like it?”

“Snow, I--”

Simon’s face has fallen, just a bit.

“You know I do,” Baz says finally, hoarse. “Okay? This is about--not pressuring you. Because. You know. Well, first Agatha. And what she did. And then second--not related, obviously--but your sexuality--”

He stops because he sounds like an idiot.

“Baz,” Simon says.

“Snow.”

“I’m okay.”

“Yeah, but--”

“Just because I don’t want to have sex doesn’t mean I don’t want other things, you know? It's a spectrum.”

Baz can’t help this smile that feels more like a smirk than a real smile, and Simon sees it, and swats him.

“You know what I mean. I want--you know. What we did last night. And making you crazy. And kissing you. Maybe not now. Or for a while. Or ever. But I want a lot, Baz. And I’ll tell you when I’m not okay.”

He’s still sitting on Baz’s hip, and the entire right side of Baz’s body has gone numb. There’s this fierce current of _love_ and _oh_ and arousal pulsing in long waves through Baz’s veins. He wants to reach up. Cup Simon’s jaw. Kiss the sweat from his upper lip. He wants to say, _I want to make you okay._

Instead he says, “Okay.”

Simon’s grin is crooked. “Just okay?”

“Just okay,” Baz says, and then, now, then, he finds his words, he puts his hands up and touches Simon’s knees spread around his body and he says, “I want to kiss you. I want to kiss you more than anything in the world.”

It’s not glee that fills Simon’s face but it’s satisfaction, and when he slides down so he’s parallel along Baz’s body, their chests and shoulders and legs and groins matched up skin-to-skin, Baz loses the rest of his breath. He cannot remember being anything ever other than too hot. 

“Kiss me,” Simon whispers, and Baz does.


	24. i had butterflies up to my ears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's pretty much a giant relief to go back to texting. But seriously, thank you SO much for all the kind thoughts you guys left about my irl writing :) Means a lot.

{3:13 p.m.}

I’m just not even going to TRY to prepare a lecture about how you’ve let Simon corrupt you and how THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF A TRACK WHICH LEADS STRAIGHT TO A JOB BAGGING AT THE SAFEWAY

_ I missed one class. _

SAFEWAY

BAGGING

YOU WANT TO BE A CEO SOMEDAY

don’t let ur dreams be dreams basilton pitch

_ What the fuck is wrong with you this afternoon? _

Did you kiss him?

Did you sleep in the same bed?

Was it lovely?

Did angels sing?

 

{3:34 p.m.}

DON’T YOU GO AND IGNORE ME YOUNG MAN

_ Bunce, you’re a danger to humanity. _

_ Don’t you have a class or something? _

YAH AND SO DO YOU

4:00

BUSINESS TECH

u better be there or I’m stealing Simon tomorrow

_ … _

_ … _

_ … _

_ I’ll be there. _

AHA UR SO IN LOVE

 

{8:00 p.m.}

Saw Baz today

**IM CAUGHT BETWEEN UTTER HATRED AND JUST THIS ALL CONSUMING LOVE**

LET’S GO WITH LOVE

**YAH NICE TRY**

**penelope bunce u asshole WHY DID U HIDE THIS FROM ME**

**i hate u sm**

**< /3**

**u broke my heart**

**U DIDNT TELL ME THE HOT BOI I WAS COMPLAINING TO ABT MY HOT ROOMMATE KNEW HE WAS THE HOT ROOMMATE AND WAS ALSO HOT AND WAS THE HOT ROOMMATE**

Are you drunk?

**no sweetie baz wouldnt let me get drunk**

Dear God

Y’all are going to be insufferable

**UNSUFFERABLE**

He couldn’t stop smiling, earlier. I hope you know that

**RELLYL**

**OMGMGMGMG**

**MGMGMGNGMGMGMNGNMGMG**

**I WASNT SURE**

**IF HE WAS OK**

**i kind of sat on him**

PLEASE GOD NO MORE DETAILS

**we kissed**

wait wtf really

SIIIIMOOOONNNNN

MY BABY BOI

my son

were you okay though?

Seriously

**penny i was fucking on top of the fucking world**

**i had butterflies up to my ears**

 

{10:11 p.m.}

You’re…

You’re kind of cute

I had my doubts

**no u didnt**

Not in BAZ

I knew he would tell you eventually

the weak-chinned little bastard

**HEY THATS MY BOIUFRIEND UR TALKING ABT LAY THE HELL OFF >:(**

How quickly you move to defend him

Some night when I’m drunk or just really tired I’m going to go back over our conversations and find all the places you’ve insulted him horribly

Then I’ll screenshot them and send them to Baz

**hES SEEN IT ALL**

**i dont need u telling me how much of an idiot i am i already know**

Simon

You’re not an idiot

You just snared the hottest guy on campus

with a combination of swearing, insanely bad grammar, Taylor Swift, high school girlfriends, and sitting on him until he kissed you

**TAKE NOOOOOTEEEEESSSSSSS**

SOMEHOW I DON’T THINK MICAH WOULD APPRECIATE THE TAYLOR SWIFT

**who doesnt appreciate tswizzle**

**imma turn her on rn**

 

{10:29 p.m.}

Are you with him?

**no**

**hes coming back soon**

Where is he?

**his band had a gig downtown**

**im still reeeeeeling (luv that word) from the discovry that baz plays linsee sterling violin**

...Baz doesn’t sound anything like Lindsey Sterling

**anything thats not classical violin is linsee sterling ok**

God, who are you

Weren’t you invited? To his gig?

**he said if i came he would kill me**

What a healthy relationship

He must be shy

**AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA BAZ SHY**

Why else would he have forbidden you from going?

I’m serious

**omfg thats so cuuuuuuuuuute**

**his prformance ends at 11**

**CAN I MAKE IT**

**id have to hail a cab tho and im so scared of doign that**

**like, not of riding in the cab**

**just of hailing it**

**ill go watch him sum other time ok**

I was never accusing you lol

**I WAS ACCUSING MYSELF**

**IM A BAD BOIFRIEND**

**thats what we r btw**

**boifreinds <3 <3**

Is Baz aware?

**…**

Maybe you should check in with your boyfriend, about being boyfriends

**LOOK HELOVES ME WILDLY AND WE KISSED PASSIONATELY AND FIREWORKS EXPLODED AND IDEK PENNY BUT OUHERFWIRVJVRGMWEGVDEFWHJ,DVMDGMGFDMHSMHDMEGVFHMWEFDM thats all that matters**

You’re so helplessly cute and stupid

I love you, Si

**I LOVE U 2 PENNY PEN PEN**

**MORE THAN ANYONE IN THE WRLD EXCEPT NICO**

***baz**

**i keep doing that**

**whoops**

You can’t even remember your boyfriend’s name!

**SHUT UPPPPPPPPP**

**oh hay i hear him CANT HATE U ANY LONGER CUZ MY BABYS BACK**

I’m retching

**byYYYYYeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEE**

 

{11:14 p.m.}

Simon?

Simonnnnn

Oh

I see how it is

Have fun

Be safe ;)

Go to class tomorrow!! 

…

I’m so lonely

Micah’s camping

No one will talk to me

SIIIIIIMOOOONNNNNNNNNNN

oh well

have fun with your boy

kiss him a lot

Like

UNTIL YOUR LIPS ARE SWOLLEN

I’ll talk to you later

Goodnight <3


	25. /this/ sort of chat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS IM BACK HELLO HELLO
> 
> Simon being super worried about how dropping out of college would look to Baz is my favorite headcanon. Enjoy. And bonus points if you spot the OneRepublic reference!

{9:02 a.m.}

**whr r u**

_ Getting coffee. _

_ Back in ten. _

 

“Here,” Baz says, and he isn’t quite smiling as he presses the cup into Simon’s hand, but he does have this little twist to his mouth, upcast like he’s embarrassed by his own goodheartedness.

Simon stares.

“I brought you coffee.”

“You brought me coffee?”

“Stop gaping at me and  _ drink it.” _

He sits with something like a huff--though Simon knows it’s not a huff; Baz fancies himself  _ far  _ too dignified to huff--at the foot of Simon’s bed. The movement creates this little avalanche of coffee onto the bedsheets that Simon finds disturbingly cute.

“And you spilled,” he says.

Baz pulls at the pillowcase. “I did not.”

“You’re  _ flustered,”  _ Simon says, delighted.

“Use your mouth for drinking coffee.”

“Or kissing you,” Simon suggests, feigning casualty, and gets rewarded with this little shiver that shakes the bed a bit. “I bet you wouldn’t mind.”

“Mmpghhp,” Baz says, with an extreme amount of dignity.

Simon holds out a hand.

“Don’t you have homework?”

Disappointment thrills. Simon puts his hand down. “A little. I guess.”

“You should do it.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Snow.”

There’s a sigh, which is surprising, and then Baz takes his hand anyway, which is inordinately satisfying. Simon can’t help but smile this goofy little lovesick smile.  _ “Snow,”  _ Baz says again. “Homework.”

“I’ll go crazy. I always do.”

“Simon.”

Simon lowers his head and attempts a flirtatious glance up through his lashes. “You called me Simon,” he says.

“Simon, do you even want to be here?”

“Be where?”

“College. Here.”

Simon says, “Of course I do.”

“Really?”

“Mpgh.”

“There’s no shame in it. You know.”

“Penny,” Simon says, “and you. That’s shame.”

“Don't worry about us. Worry about yourself. What do you really want to do with your life, love?”

There’s this huge gaping moment of silence and then Simon is  _ up,  _ pulling his hand out of Baz’s, clutching at his hair. He stares. He can’t believe it. Maybe it was a dream.

“Oops,” says Baz, but not like the  _ love  _ was a mistake. 

 

Later, they’re out to dinner in the mess hall, and Simon’s feeling self-conscious because of the heaping pile of lamb stew he has settled in front of him. Baz is eating a grilled cheese with dainty grace.

“I want to write books, I think,” Simon says, after a moment. 

His keycard falls across his tray and gets soaked in the juiciest park of the stew. He appreciates, as he’s wiping it off, that Baz doesn’t laugh--either at the absurdity of Simon wanting to write books, or the keycard in the stew. It’s funny that Baz is now more abrasive over text than in person, when before the opposite used to be true.

“What kind of books?” Baz says, with an admirable quantity of gentleness.

Simon sniffs and tries to pass it off as casual relief. He hasn't yet cried in front of Baz yet, and he's not planning on doing it today. “Probably really gay books,” he admits. “Probably fanfiction, at first. And then maybe not fanfiction but still a lot of gayness.”

Baz says, “I think that sounds really good.”

And they look at each other and Baz smiles this real smile, wide and a little bit snarky, and Simon wants to lean across the table and bite the smile off his lips.

“Will you help me tell Penny?” Simon asks him.

“Of course. You're going to finish the semester?”

“The year,” Simon says, with renewed determination. “And I promise I'll try my best. Like, do the homework I'm supposed to and stuff.”

“I have no expectations,” Baz tells him, and Before Nico Simon would have winced at the cruelty of it, but After Nico it's like just another smile.

 

{8:16 p.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-766-8149 HAS CREATED A GROUP CHAT WITH THE CONTACT NUMBERS (204)-978-6060 AND 204)-766-4520 

 

{8:17 p.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-766-8149 HAS CHANGED THE NAME OF THE GROUP CHAT TO “ **i need 2 tell u something pen** ”

 

{8:18 p.m.} “ **i need 2 tell u something pen** ” CONTENTS

Let me guess; you're pan

Or pregnant

_ Pregnant by whom? _

Don't get jealous, Basilton

It was a sperm donor

**wtf bazzzzz u said ud back me up but u are NOT being supportive**

_ I believe the term is #sorrynotsorry. _

Please never use that hashtag again

Or any hashtag

What even is your problem

**GUYS**

SORRY SORRY I’M HERE

_ Here. _

_ As always. _

Oh God it's going to be /this/ sort of chat…

**penny**

**imma write books**

Simon, that's wonderful!!

Actually!

Two exclamation points always sound sarcastic to me so I added that “actually” to make sure you know I'm being sincere

**yah thx for that i got it**

**heres the catch**

_ There's always a catch. _

**shutup**

_ Yes, sir. _

Kinky ;)

**OML THE CATCH AHYYY SHHHHH LISTEB**

**i think imma drop out of college**

**to write**

Siiiii

Love

 

{8:56 p.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

_ Hey. _

 

{8:57 p.m.} “ **i need 2 tell u something pen** ” CONTENTS

You don't have to

You can do both

**no ik i understand**

**n i will do both for a year**

**but its cuz i want to**

**college its not somthung i'm into**

**it makes me sad**

**n i wanna b happy**

_ I told him I’d support him. _

EVEN THOUGH UR A PRETENTIOUS ENTITLED ASS ABOUT COLLEGE AND ENTITLEMENT AND ETC

_ That’s in the past. _

I CAN’T FUCKIN FIGURE Y’ALL OUT

EVERYTHING’S IN THE PAST

but the future looks good

;)

Okay, Simon

I’ll support you too

Except if you write literary fiction

Then, we’ll have to talk


	26. can i lick your

{11:01 a.m.} GOOGLE SEARCH HISTORY: CONTENTS

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-766-8149 HAS SEARCHED:  **harry potter fanfiction**

 

{11:11 a.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-766-8149 HAS REQUESTED TO AUDIO CALL

 

{11:12 a.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-978-6060 HAS ACCEPTED THE AUDIO CALL

 

{11:13 a.m.} AUDIO CALL CONTENTS

_ “Snow.” _

**“Baz.”**

_ “...” _

**“Are you in class?”**

_ “I was. I fled to the bathroom.” _

**“I need help.”**

SOUND OF IMMENSELY LONG SIGH

_ “What kind of help?” _

**“I thought of the gayest book I knew.”**

_ “What was it?” _

**“Harry Potter.”**

_ “How--what--” _

**“Two words: Remus and Sirius.”**

LONG PAUSE

_ “Holy shit; you’re right.” _

**“I know. So I searched Harry Potter fanfiction and there are over a hundred and fifty thousand stories. And some of these things are like six hundred thousand words long.”**

LONG PAUSE

_ “I fail to see how this translates to why you need my help.” _

**“Is class almost over?”**

SOUND OF A GRUNT

_ “Be there in fifteen.” _

 

{11:19 a.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-978-6060 HAS HUNG UP

 

“Are you seeing this?” 

“I’m right here,” Baz says dryly. He’s perched on the windowsill next to Simon, overheated laptop on both their laps. The fanfiction open in an archive tab is called  _ Sexytime with remus and Sirius. _

“This isn’t--” Simon rubs his head. “This isn’t like what I wanted.”

“Hey, your grammar’s about this good,” Baz says. 

He regrets it almost immediately: the look on Simon’s face is so raw and wide-open, like scraped knees. He puts out his hand and then pulls it back, sharp and apologetic, because Simon’s closed his eyes.

“This is absurd,” Simon says, quietly. “Tell me that.”

“It’s not absurd.”

“I can’t even text right.”

Baz bites his lip and draws blood. He doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know why he messed this up. “You tell good stories. And little stuff--that’s easy to fix--”

Simon opens his eyes and shakes his head.

“Hey,” Baz says.

“It’s stupid,” Simon says. “Absurd. And unrealistic. Fanfiction doesn’t pay. Even real books pay nothing. You can’t make any kind of a living off writing. Especially when you suck.”

Baz can’t breathe. “You don’t suck.”

“Yes, I do. You’ve never read anything I’ve written. You’ve never--”

“So show me.”

Simon looks at him for a long moment. His expression is flat, the sting gone out of it. When the corners of his mouth quirk up, it’s more like sarcasm than real amusement.

“Fine,” he says. “You want to see?”

 

_ He wakes up and he’s falling. it’s that kind of  falling that it’s very hard to replicate outside of dreams, so for a long time as he plunges and plunges he thinks hes in a dream. His mom told him to pinch himself. he does and he doesn’t wake up. _

_ Eventually he still hasn’t hit bottom and he still hasn’t woken up so he kind of jolts back and forth but all he succeeds in doing is whacking his elbow against the side of the pit and screaming this little high-pitched scream witch Taylor would make fun of him for if he had herd. _

 

The document is called  _ 9 PM, June 11th,  _ and underneath the paragraph there’s a page-long mess of scrambled letters, hgrehjghejrghgewhj, alternating caps and just radiating fury. Simon puts his hand over it when he sees Baz is looking.

“This is really good,” Baz says. 

“Don’t lie.”

“I mean it.”

“There’s grammar. Spelling.”

Baz reaches across Simon for the laptop; slides his finger on the mousepad. In just a few short strokes he’s changed _hes_ to _he’s,_ _witch_ to _which, herd_ to _heard,_ and capitalized the sentences that need it. He puts his hands back in his lap. “See how easy that was?”

“It isn’t even about anything,” Simon mutters, stabbing at the screen. It indents colorfully around his finger.

“It doesn’t have to be.”

Simon clicks back to the archive tab.

“This grammar isn’t anything like yours,” Baz says.

Simon’s lips start to curve again, smiling for real now, and Baz takes a risk and slides his palm comfortingly across Simon’s knee. There’s no reaction, but he takes that as a good thing. 

“This is really bad,” Simon says.

_ Remus licked Sirius thigh, “Mmm.” He said. “You are so big Sirius you would look so good in me.” Sirius said “please fuck me, I want to feel you!!” He moaned as Remus licked his penis with his big tongue “can I lick your balls?” Asked Remus with tenderness. _

Simon starts giggling and can’t stop. He falls sideways into Baz’s lap and Baz has to grab the laptop so it doesn’t shatter on the dorm floor.

“Can I lick your balls?” Baz asks him, in this seductive tone that it physically hurts to use.

“You are so big, Baz,” Simon snorts, writhing in his arms. “You would look  _ sooooo  _ good in me.”

“Do you want me to lick your penis with my big tongue?”

Simon’s laughing so hard he’s crying. “I want you to  _ lick my thigh.” _

 

“So, what do we think?” Baz asks, when the hysteria’s settled a little. “Going to write yourself some  _ Sexytime with remus and Sirius?” _

“You know it,” Simon says. He’s sitting on the floor with his knees skewed up, laptop propped at an angle that can’t be healthy for his back. “Just don’t tell Penny, okay?”

Baz tilts his phone so Simon can see.

 

{1:09 p.m.}

_ Would you object to Simon writing this sort of fanfiction? _

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-978-6060 HAS SENT AN IMAGE

GOD HELP ME AND SAVE MY SOUL

SIMON I’M GOING TO FUCKING /KILL/ YOU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me just say that I got the HUGEST kick out of writing that excerpt of "Sexytime with remus and Sirius". That's my next big hit....
> 
> Jk. Thanks so much for reading!


	27. Sexytime with remus and Sirius

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's for bringingglory, who announced they'd sell their soul to read the full version of Sexytime. Warnings for badly-written sexual content. You can skip this if you want; it has absolutely NO relation to the plot.

_ Sexytime with remus and Sirius _

_ By cayley_Ross _

_ It was really cold and remus was walking home suddenly he ran into a big man, the man was very tall and he had black hair. his Hair was so long that if had boobs his hair would have touched his boobs, he did not have man boobs though because he was so strong and handsome so it only touched his abs. remus blinked and couldnt breath “Omg” he says “im remus im SO sorry for bumping into you” “remus” says the strange man, “That is a pretty name” (except he didnt say pretty because that would be gay. “Thank you!!!” says Remus, “what is your name” “my name is Sirius” said the big man. “are you sirious??” Says Remus, He started laughing so hard he fell over, but he fell into Sirius’ arms. sirius looks at him and their eyes speared each other with literal swords. there sexual tension is thick enough to slice. Sirius leans forward and fire leaped between there lips, they had to kiss they both knew it so they leaned forward and there lips met. “oh” says Remus when they are done “That was perfect, you are soooo sexy Sirius and I love your name, I’m sirius.” “no” says Sirius I’M SIRIUS!!!! They laughed so hard they kiss again, all of a sudden sirius started kissing Remus even harder! remus thinks he is going to faint, he puts his hands on sirius’s butt and feels his cheeks. They are very firm and round, calling out for someone to hold them, remus wants to hold ALL of Sirius! He says “come home with me I am very close” so they go home holding hands, when they got home they barely got inside before remus kissed sirius and they tumbled onto a couch, remus stripped of all of Sirius’s clothes. he started kissing his collar bones and could feel with his hand AND his eyes that sirius was super hard, “mmm.” He said. “You are So hard! I bet you are so big”. he pulled down sirius’s zipper and then his whole pants! Sirius was soooo huge, remus couldnt see how he was going to fit in Remus, if he wants to anyway, Remus was a very good bottom but he could top to. he was a sexy guy that was for sure and he hopes sirius Knew!! He started licking sirius’s neck and his chest, his chest wasnt hairy so he starts licking the hair at the bottom of sirius’s stomach instead; theres a Line where Sirius’s boxers have been So remus kissed that, Sirius was moaning sooooo loudly that remus thought he was having a heart attack! Remus licked Sirius thigh, “Mmm.” He said. “You are so big Sirius you would look so good in me.” Sirius said “please fuck me, I want to feel you!!” He moaned as Remus licked his penis with his big tongue “can I lick your balls?” Asked Remus with tenderness. all Sirius could say was “Yes remus don’t stop please” so remus put his tongue on his balls and swished it around. Sirius was in Heaven, he definitely sees how sexy remus is now! he was so amazed by Remus’s fourplay that he almost came all over remus’s chin, man that would have been embarrassing, luckily Remus pulled away and says “do you want me to fuck you?” Sirius nodded energeticlly “yes Please!!” remus took off his clothes, he was so big he almost made sirius look small, and guess what, he didn’t even need lube. he was a Very sexy guy. He thrusts into sirius and sirius makes a big moan, he cannot believe how big Remus is but he feels soooo good. they rocked into each other and made a rithim, remus pounded into him like the big strong alpha male he is! “ooohhhhhhhhhhh.” Says Sirius, “don’t stop now” Remus thrusted in one more time and bang! He came into Sirius’s butt with the round cheeks, now he was touching them; well, he was inside them, actually. he pulled himself out and starts stroking Sirius’s penis, Sirius was so hard he is hurting so remus made him feel better, like Dr. remus, that was a roleplay sirius wanted to do sometime!! “You are so beautiful.” Whispers remus and Sirius came all over him. It was pretty gay but sirius didn’t care, he wiped his cum of Remus and then they lie down and snuggle. what a sexy guy! Sirius thinks, we should do this again some time. _


	28. ah only eat mah chicken raw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say before this conclusion that I could not appreciate more what you guys have done for me. Your comments and kudos brighten my days infinitely, and it makes me happy that my writing somehow manages to make /you/ happy.
> 
> And now: warnings for sexual content (if you read "Sexytime" you'll be more than fine lol). And for the author's absurd pride in this particular chapter. *blushes* And thanks to everyone who's stuck with me. <3 I can't believe this thing is over.
> 
> Keep your eyes peeled for more works from me, in the Snowbaz universe and beyond!

The book Simon writes is brilliant. Even Baz admits this.

He reads it in excerpts, so as not to waste it: at the beach with Penny. Flat on his back in the dorm. Tucked into corners of coffee shops. Tangled yin-and-yang with Simon on the couch of his new apartment, slim and cold.

“It’s decent, I suppose,” he admits, setting the laptop down.

“Decent?” Simon says. His face falls.

Baz shrugs like he doesn’t care--he has a reputation, after all--and then goes to the bathroom to cry. Simon catches him there, fifteen minutes later, when he’s unable to stop tearing up long enough to dry his face.

 

It’s called  _ Reasons to Hate.  _ Simon’s not really sure why. He tells Baz it might have something to do with a scene thirteen or fourteen pages into the book, but Baz can’t find it.

“It’s just my publishing company,” Simon says, waving a hand. He’s very blasé about the whole endeavor: publishing,  _ being  _ published. Baz kind of wants to jump up and down and tell everyone his boyfriend’s a real published author, find his book on Amazon, you won’t be disappointed, God I’m just so  _ proud _ . “They do this to every book. You know. Spin the wheel; what ambiguous three-word title will we get today?”

He has started using words like  _ ambiguous  _ and  _ voluptuous.  _ It makes Baz a little disgruntled because he can no longer get away with giving Simon subtle compliments that sound like dirty words. 

Simon’s pen name is Simon Salisbury. It was his mother’s maiden name.

“At least it’s better than  _ Snow,”  _ is all Baz has to say about it. 

 

Off the royalties, which are modest but more than satisfactory, they see Hamilton in January. Baz cries. He’s been crying an awful lot, lately. Simon says he must be pregnant, so Baz tells him it’s Penny’s child.

A man in skinny jeans and Converse and gay hipster hair stops them on their way out of the theater and tells them that they’re really cute and he’d love to know how they met. Baz looks at Simon and Simon looks at Baz and at the same exact time they both say, “Blind date,” like they’ve rehearsed it, and walk on.

Simon reveals later that he’s flattered they’re seen as  _ cute _ , and Baz says yes, it’s always lovely to be gawked at like animals in the zoo and slapped with labels reserved for toddlers. But all the same, he’s flattered too. Instead of telling Simon this, he takes off Simon’s shirt.

 

“What’s this?” Simon says, in mild confusion. 

He’s wearing his nicest dress shirt and the black shoes Baz picked out for him at Nordstrom’s, and his hair is refusing to lie down. His suit jacket lies hastily folded along his forearm. He looks like a fucking dream. 

“A sandwich,” Baz answers, attempting to ignore the gaping classmate who’s just passed by. He bitched enough about Simon that being seen with him in public  _ still _ turns heads. “Are you unfamiliar with sandwiches?”

Simon, grinning, adopts a hick accent. “Where Ah come from, Ah only eat mah chicken  _ raw. _ ”

They’re at Baz’s graduation. The ceremony is already over--both Baz and Penny received an embarrassing amount of awards--and now families pour across the unkempt lawn of the courtyard, arm in arm. Baz’s family didn’t come. He wasn’t expecting them to, but the rejection still manages to sting. 

“Do you--”

“I’m fine, Snow.”

Simon blinks. “I was just going to ask if you wanted a sandwich.”

Baz curls his hands into tight little fists. He adjusts the tone of his voice and makes it smooth instead of sharp. “I’d’ve taken a sandwich, if I wanted one.”

“Okay,” Simon says, and they walk on.

 

_ “I  _ came,” Simon announces, eventually, when they’ve moved on to a table filled with intricate little pastries and most of the improv troupe.

Baz looks at him, over his shoulder.

“I know your family didn’t, but I did.”

There’s a sudden unexpected dampness in Baz’s eyes, which is decidedly unprofessional and will not be abided. Maybe he is pregnant. He swipes at his face and thinks: here is the boy who breaks down walls, perfecting his craft.

Simon moves to his side and takes one of the intricate little pastries. It looks like a mobius strip, except frosted. He breaks it into two pieces (look, Baz: infinity shattered) and hands the bigger one to Baz. 

“Thanks,” Baz says, and is horrified to hear his voice so gruff. He clears his throat. “And--Snow. Thanks. You know. For coming.”

He realizes too late that this leaves an beautiful opportunity for a dirty joke, too perfect to miss, but Simon just smiles his big crooked shining smile and slips his hand into Baz’s. Either he’s ignoring the opportunity, or Baz has officially become better at spotting these sorts of things than Simon himself.

“‘Course, love,” Simon says. “Anytime.”

 

It will be the last time Baz will use his room key. He lets Simon unlock the door, for old time’s sake.

The other bed--once Simon’s--is neatly made, piled with suitcases and stacks of sheets and a filing cabinet, but Baz’s bed is bare. Simon bypasses it for the window ledge. He puts his hand on the smeary glass and says, “Are you okay?”

“Yes,” Baz says. He’s not sure if it’s a lie or not.

“You seem so down.”

“I’m fine.”

Simon pats the ledge across from him, so Baz shrugs off his suit jacket and goes to sit. 

“I’m going to miss you,” Simon says, very quiet.

“Two years isn’t so long.”

“Do you have to go to graduate school?”

“Yes.”

“There’s no shame--”

Baz almost laughs. “Don’t try to lecture me. I am an infinitely better lecturer than you. This is what I want. It’s not about shame.”

Simon sighs and pokes Baz’s toe with his. Baz pokes back. There’s silence for a long time. Perhaps a minute, or longer. Baz turns his head to watch the bustle of campus unfold.

“Hey,” Simon says.

“What?”

“I love you so much,” Simon tells him, very plainly.

Baz almost falls out the window. He says, “Fuck,” because he’s lost all other kinds of rational thought.

“We’ve been together for a long time.”

Three years. Baz says, “What the fuck, Snow? Are you asking me to marry you?”

“No, stupid. I’m  _ alluding  _ to it,” Simon says, with this devilish little grin. “That’s a literary device. I wouldn’t expect you to know such things, being an economics major and all.”

Baz takes him by the back of the neck. He can’t speak, so he kisses him instead.

“We’re going to fall,” Simon says, grasping for the edge of the sill.

Baz snorts and pulls away. “I already did.”

“Fell?”

“In love,” Baz says, and watches Simon turn scarlet.

“That was horrible,” Simon tells him.

“I know,” Baz says.

“Here--”

Simon gets off the window ledge and Baz does too and then all of a sudden they’re kissing like they never have before, tangled up in each other’s arms in the quiet pulse and prosper of this dorm room Simon left behind. It’s their first kiss and their last kiss, all at once. They stumble a little and Baz backs Simon’s ass into the mattress and then they’re side by side, propped on elbows, and Baz asks  _ this okay? this okay? this okay?  _ until Simon gets exasperated and shouts that he’ll goddamn  _ tell  _ him when it isn’t okay, shut up and  _ kiss me,  _ Baz, not like  _ that,  _ do it  _ harder.  _

It’s only when they’re both very and entirely naked that Simon puts his hand on Baz’s chest and says, contentedly, “That’ll do,” and then snuggles against the curve that Baz’s body makes and closes his blue-sky eyes.

And it’s okay. Just being there. Just existing, naked, side by side.

Baz puts his head very carefully on Simon’s chest, then turns and kisses the inside slope of his shoulder, right where it joins his arm.

“Goodnight, Simon,” he says, and he’s saying,  _ I love you _ . He’s saying,  _ I always have. _

And then in the junction of two separate lives, before the beginning of a shared one, Baz Pitch puts his arm around his boyfriend's waist and goes to sleep.


End file.
